Life according to Angela – Page 58

New lenses

At 2:15 on Monday, I captured the kids doing these things and asked them to pretend I wasn’t taking pictures.

Richard dreads the idea of having to wear glasses, but I have worn them since I was nine or ten years old and know how great it is to have vision restored. Like Richard, though, I sometimes fight the different lenses I need to take on with time: the lens of experience in saying goodbye at college or a mission, the lens of what it’s like to sit with someone who is in pain, and the lens to look outward when my own troubles want to dominate my view. The lenses of experience with disappointment, repentance, and wisdom after stupidity are particularly difficult to assume sometimes.

I think the most difficult thing I ever did was say goodbye to my friends who went on missions. Three best friends left within a year and I was shaken emotionally and physically. For this reason, I worried what it would be like to send Daniel, who is more dear to me, on a mission. I have my moments, of course, but I have something I didn’t have when I said goodbye to my friends when I was 18 and 19 years old. The lenses I have acquired over time teach me that a mission is not just a goodbye. It is everything good. I have seen it again and again. I am really as peaceful about this as I have ever felt over a big transition. I felt it when he read his call to me. I feel it now, even though we have less than a week left together. It is peace not earned by personal experience, since I have never sent a son before, but it’s evidence of a generous God.

The Things I Want to Remember

There are many things that I could write about today: a week full of challenges and adventures, sweet moments, and goodness. I think will share my gratitude list from last week.

July 16-22, 2018

Kind woman who helped Daniel select temple clothing

Nice woman at the health department

We toured each boy’s bedroom (each showed something they were working on) for family night and ended the evening watching funny YouTube videos together on Mark’s bed.

The Pickwick Papers miniseries

I was given the right words to say to a sister who needed some help.

A sweet birthday visit to my dad

My presidency, especially my secretary who is moving this week. Her service has been immense.

The polka dot skirt

The boys were protected on their trip to Fish Creek.

Two-year-old Layton’s prayer for me during his mom’s visit to my home

Paige had a great week in New York.

We found a coat for the mission.

The mission shopping is nearly complete.

Daniel’s hug in the celestial room of the temple

Skirt

Almost every day I shop for Daniel, I find mothers out with their sons buying mission clothing, too. I don’t even have to see them to feel some familiarity. Today I overheard a woman helping her son find a travel bag in the next aisle. I knew exactly what was going on. When I see these mothers with their wide-eyed, humble sons, it makes me ache for the mothers a bit. Maybe these moms would also appreciate something cheerful to wear. 😉 I finished sewing my polka dot skirt!

Polka dots and t-shirts

I am convinced that I need polka dots to get through the next few weeks so I am making myself a polka dot skirt. Will I finish it today? I hope so.

Today I will not obsess about Daniel’s suits being the wrong fit or colors. (They are fine. Why can’t I believe that? Who is this paranoid person?) I will not worry about all of the name labels I should be sewing on his clothing, nor the alterations I still need to do. (This will actually be easy, and I will enjoy a movie or two as I do it.) I will stop crying about not being able to find a winter coat for him because I think I finally found two good options late last night online. (And I have lots more time since it is expected that we will ship these things to him in a couple months.) I will stop wishing I had a big sister and appreciate all the sisters who surround me.

I am using every method at my disposal to WIN these days and weeks leading up to the mission: savoring every bite of my food, watching British entertainment, decorating with twinkle lights, embracing positive words, and taking spontaneous time with the boys. Melancholy still seeps in, and when it does, I just take it, have my little cry or whatever, and think about my polka dot skirt. But don’t let this post about fabrics fool you. When I am obsessing about socks or a suit or polka dots, it is really that I am having a hard time saying goodbye to Daniel. The person, not the mannequin I am dressing. Finding the right clothes is really the least of my worries.

I have adopted some armor. When I wear positive messages, it changes how I think. I bought a lot of happy screen print t-shirts, enough for every day of the week.

I plan to pair them with my polka dot skirt. Here are a few of them:

It won’t wear one of these on the day we say goodbye since I plan to experience every feeling that day without armor.

Collections

I spent some time today with Daniel going through his closet. When he was eleven or twelve, he and I organized his many collections in boxes with labels, and this week, he is parting with most of these things. Collections of metal, bouncy balls, airsoft pellets, rocks, army men, shiny things, cards, baseballs, toys, pens, postcards, marbles, cowboy things, Pinewood Derby cars, CDs, and other treasures went through our hands one more time together. There were things to keep, things to pass on to others, and much to throw away.

Tonight I look at Mark’s collections at his desk and feel the need to remember every detail of these messy cubbies.

One Step Enough For Me

Recently, a friend shared some of her gospel questions with me. I think people with questions are using their minds. I think people with questions should ask them and seek for answers, even if it takes their whole lives. I am not somebody who has a lot of big questions. This is just not how I face the world. I invest time in my testimony every day in the scriptures and prayer. But my questions as I study the scriptures and pray are usually very small. “What does this sentence mean for me?” or, “How shall I structure my time today?” and, “Will you be there with me?” And since I get ample direction from asking these simple questions, this has helped me trust to God the big questions. My spiritual gift isn’t grand knowledge and answers to troubling questions. It’s simple faith that God speaks to me and directs me in small things, and cumulative small things add up over time to sweeping faith and trust in God.

One step enough for me.

Scoutmaster’s Wife

Richard and Mark left for Scout Camp this morning at 6 am. I got up to wish them goodbye, and now I can’t seem to make myself happy or get going. The trade-off for missing Richard is that I know Mark will be ok with his dad around. I miss Mark already. He is my companion most of the time, and he pats me on the back while I shop for groceries and he likes to fix me little things for lunch.

Some days are bad days for me, just like anyone, even if I don’t vocalize it.

It takes a lot of family and leader effort to get a scout to a beautiful Eagle Court of Honor like we had last weekend.

Eagle Court of Honor

On Sunday evening at the Spencer cabin, we held Daniel’s Eagle Court of Honor during our family reunion. Thanks to Richard J. and Sarah, we have some great photos from the evening. We were surrounded by family, friends, and special guests, but we were also in a sacred setting. The cabin and mountains, with more than 100 years of family memories, added to the feelings of the evening. Daniel earned his Eagle a long time ago, but the court of honor felt intimidating to do, so we delayed. I’m so glad we decided to do it in this setting before he leaves on his mission.

No

I read a book recently about the power of Christian hospitality. Our homes, our time, and our stuff, is not our own, the author asserts. And we need to get over the idea that our homes need to be perfect to invite people into our lives. We need to move from entertaining to being hospitable. This is how we show a life of faith to others and have the greatest influence. Some of these thoughts will frame the way I will be more free with my time, my home, and my self, but I have only felt terrible this week when I have held myself to a standard I can’t live right now. I am better than I used to be about sensitivity to people and requests, and I have a greater tolerance for social demands now than even a year ago. However, in this coming month of a high adventure trip and scout camp back-to-back (alone); and during this month of final missionary preparations and errands (stretched); and during the last collection of minutes with our son Daniel living with us (sacred), people may be disappointed in my inability to do it all. I have said no, and I will continue to say no occasionally.

Shasta Lake

When we drove into this resort by the lake, we knew we had found a popular destination. This campground was packed with RVs, close together, but each site still managed to have trees. Families and friends took adjacent sites and gathered for dinner. There were basketball and volleyball games each night, and lots of laughter and play, late into the night. Children on bikes yelled, “Safety patrol!” as they policed the curvy dirt roads, reminding campers to follow the rules. Each building, from the laundry and bathrooms to the small ice cream and novelties shop, wore scraps of their original coats of paint, probably applied during the 1960’s. This felt like history, and with all of the gatherings around us, I think generations of families have been coming here for years. An especially large gathering was beside our campsite, and I noticed they prayed before eating dinner. This made me feel so at home.

The boys and Richard will probably say that this was their favorite part of the trip. We rented a boat, skis, and a tube and spent a lot of time on the lake. The weather was perfect. We were warm for the first time on the trip. We stopped for ice cream and shakes on the last night and shared ping pong paddles and a ball with a gang of little boys.

When we planned this trip, we wanted the lake experience to be like my memories of Clear Lake. While we didn’t stay at Clear Lake and rent an old cabin, this really did provide a similar feeling. I made sure to buy comic books ahead of time for the kids to read.

Best memories: Mark on the tube, Daniel and Timothy getting up on skis, Richard skiing, all the boys on the tube together, ice cream at the shop, tubing hair

Menu: roasted hot dogs, pigs in a blanket, deli sandwiches, grapes, oranges, pasta salad, baked beans, pop tarts instead when the free pancakes were actually not free.

Things we are so glad we brought: a toaster oven for cookies, biscuits, toast, and pigs in a blanket; plastic drawers for toiletries, sunblock, first aid, etc.; drying racks for towels; audio books; our own life jackets; extra blankets; twine; DUCT TAPE