Motherhood – Page 26 – Letters from Home

What a two-year-old taught me about the word, “Mom”

My sister and her husband asked us to watch their two-year-old for an extended period of time. I said yes even though we are beyond the toddler phase at our house. It was a challenge. It was a joy. I had no idea what a profound lesson my nephew would teach me.

To be clear, my nephew, who was adopted after many months of foster care, never forgot his mommy-daddy while they were away. I thought it was cute that he linked their identities when he talked about them. The doorbell would ring. “Mommy-daddy?” he would ask, hoping it was them coming to pick him up. “Mommy-daddy?” he would ask sometimes as I put him to bed. I always reminded him that his mommy and daddy would come back for him soon.

He had our names down, “Paige, Dan-ol, Timony, Mark, and Richer (sometimes Da),” and although he knew my name is Angie, he called me Mom. At first I felt embarrassed. I hadn’t asked him to call me that. I had never been called Mom by anyone but my own children, so the word really affected me. Over time I realized that calling me Mom didn’t diminish his love for his true mommy. He was reminding me that the title of Mom is broader than we sometimes acknowledge. It’s a title that is hard-earned and not automatic to one who gives birth. Mom is a title about influence. A little two-year old felt that influence and acknowledged it.

This experience has led me to ask, What identifies someone as a mom? Mothers nurture us, mentor us, and love us. Certainly the title of Mom is not lost with time or death. It’s not a title for perfection. Moms do their imperfect best, day after day. It’s not a title related to outcomes in others. There are many wonderful mothers of rebellious children. It’s not always a title related to giving birth. This little nephew, an adopted son out of foster care, may appreciate the concept of “Mom” more than many of us. I didn’t replace his mommy, but he saw my efforts and recognized a mom.

Feminine sacrifice and love are what makes one worthy of the title of Mom, and that is something worth remembering on this day which brings out such complicated emotions in so many women. Our mothers wouldn’t want us to be sad on this day, even if it reminds us of those we have lost, of opportunities missed, disappointments, personal inadequacies, or blessings delayed. Our mothers would want us to celebrate the feminine endurance, love, and unselfishness that exemplify the title of Mom.

Happy Mothers Day!

Mothers Day thoughts

Motherhood is important to me and I’ve written a lot about it. Here are some posts from the past that tell some of the story. Don’t read them all. That would be ridiculous. Happy Mothers Day!

Veiled Memories: Our children will forget the specifics, but we will not.

They Looked to their Mothers: The best honors go to mothers.

In the Afternoon Sun: What I think about while I am doing housework.

Our First Teen Party: for laughs

The Stroller: for a little cry

Loneliness: You’re going to be lonely, but it can be a catalyst for growth.

A Memory of a Summer Afternoon: One of my favorite phrases from my boys is, “Look, Mom!”

My Changing Role: nurturing and letting go

An Empty Frame: Our biggest work can’t be captured in a photograph.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Minivan: I love and always will love my minivan. No shame. It’s a great second home.

Little Men: Why I love raising boys.

A New World to Me: I’m a stage mom now?

Tomorrow I’ll Listen Better: Sometimes I am so busy that I neglect those for whom I am doing all of this.

Happy Mothers Day from the Kids: I am so glad that Richard recorded these little boys singing to me.

This song

https://youtu.be/GBvSCrRNA34

I lay awake the other night thinking about the kids. Thoughts ranging from worry to frustration and tenderness to sympathy had a carnival in my head. Dramatic catastrophic scenarios, too, came to my mind, a signal that late night thinking just kindles the crazy in me. I can’t physically pick up my children and carry them out of trouble and home to hugs like I used to. Instead, sometimes I lapse into worry. This phase of mothering is lonely and spiritually demanding. When my words of encouragement aren’t welcome, I tap into a reservoir of faith. I have a Heavenly Father who sees me as a daughter who is sometimes unaware of His acts of kindness. He is patient with me, so I can be patient with my children, too.

Better than worry is what I do each day, trying to be helpful. I shuffle down the hall early each morning and sit with the boys, to be met with unenthusiastic response. The secret to mothering teens is knowing that what I am doing is important, even if I am met with bristles and barbs. When they come home, I am where they left me that morning, but hundreds of objects in the house have been handled or cleaned since they walked out the door. Dinner is at 6. We eat together, but sometimes they are in such a hurry to get up from the table, I wonder if they tasted any of the food that went down. My kids always thank me for dinner, whether they taste it or not. They are good about that.

I think in the adolescent fog, I come across not really as a person, but a voice that reminds them to do their jobs. But I know I am more than that. I know that it takes real strength to build independent children. It takes quite an effort to keep a supply of poster board for last-minute school projects and know how to make alterations in clothing; to sit through years of baseball games and ballet rehearsals and years of schooling. It takes love to keep a light on late at night and wait for the garage door to rumble, signaling our child is home and safe. It takes two great commodities, time and self, to wait in parking lots while a child makes steps to get a new job, perform piano pieces behind closed doors, and clean up the trappings of a concert. I no longer walk them in and out of buildings, holding their hands. When they are old enough to drive themselves, I miss our talks in the car.

I know that mothering is important, and it’s a gift. However, the carrying and snuggling from the earlier years seems easier now that I have to be subtle in showing the same things: I am here, I am yours, I love you.

Magnifying time

This is sand, magnified something like 300 times. Days and minutes can seem pretty uniform if we aren’t trying to magnify them. These past few years I have been working on how I use the minutes in my days. I don’t have the luxury of hours to spend on projects, but I have minutes and half hour segments here and there all day long. The big events of the day, such as teaching school, cooking, cleaning, and errands can make me feel too busy to try other things. But I think successful people are those who maximize the minutes between the big events. And by this I don’t mean that I try to pile on more activities. Sometimes the best use of my time is to take a quick nap. Sometimes I sit down and look out the window or make a phone call that I know will be short. I can sew a few seams for a quilt or read a few pages of my book about the New Testament. The goal is to never waste my time. I am enjoying how many different things I can do in a day. The minutes add up over time, and I find that I am making quilts, increasing my knowledge, keeping a family history, making music, reaching out to friends, and enjoying walks outside. Probably the best magnification of time is in my relationships. I can talk to the kids as I drive them. I can choose to put down a book and be available to talk. If I could choose whether I am successful in my relationships or in my hobbies, I would say relationships. Now, do my choices reflect that?

Sister Carole Stephens said, “Your choices reflect your priorities.” How true. And I have more work to do on that.

The Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum

2006-2012

The Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum

In 2005 the realtor who listed our home in Austin recommended that we try the Arizona Sonoran Desert Museum once we moved to Tucson. This was great advice. Going to the Desert Museum became a pattern in our lives while we lived in Arizona. It was the place we tried to take all of our guests; it was fun for kids and parents. It was one of my go-to home school field trip destinations. We went there several times a year.

A trip to the Desert Museum was a sensory feast. After driving 20 minutes on the freeway and other busy roads, we turned onto a narrow, winding road. Rock shops appeared along the road as other signs of civilization dwindled. We drove another 15 minutes among cliffs and ancient saguaros, tall and haunting. Not only was the road winding and narrow, it had great dips and inclines, making it feel like a roller coaster if we took the curves and dips with some acceleration. The van would fill with squeals of laughter as stomachs dropped with the dips and turns. The smell of sunblock floated in the air as the kids prepared for the day in the sun. I could look back and see children’s eyes wide with excitement. Sometimes they would raise their hands high above their heads for the declines and quick ascents. I’d turn up the music.

We always started the day early, arriving at the Desert Museum as it opened. I loaded our green stroller with water bottles, snacks, hats, the camera bag, sunblock, and notebooks. It was quite a production, setting out for a day in this mostly outdoor museum. It grew hot quickly, so we followed a path where we knew we could find shade at the hottest parts of the day. The “museum” felt mostly like a walk in the desert with occasional docents along the way holding birds, skulls, or other desert animals. There were enclosures for animals, but only a few structures that provided shade.

Our favorite attractions were in the summer, when the butterfly gardens were teeming with caterpillars and butterflies and the monsoon rains had awakened the flowers. We avoided school field trip days by going in the summer, too. Sometimes we would stop to sketch the hummingbirds or linger and watch the desert tortoises in the early part of the day. By 10:00, we were usually very warm and we would make our way to the pavilions with air conditioning and then the ice cream parlor built out on the trail. The ice cream cones always seemed like manna, and I didn’t care that it was only 10 am because it made the grumpiness disappear.

There were mammals, reptiles, insects, spiders, monkeys, and birds to see. Our favorite animal was probably the mountain lion that had a cave where it would sleep, its face sometimes pressed up against the window for the kids to admire closely.

The mountain lion was always at the end of our ability to cope with the heat, so we would head up the hill toward the cave for the rest of the day. The cave was man-made, and you entered on a paved path. Inside there were exhibits about space and volcanoes, rocks, and minerals. Best of all, there were tunnels going off the main path for the kids to explore. These cave-like tunnels were narrow, smooth with wear, and a little smelly with mildew and stale people smells. Those who braved these narrow passageways were rewarded with a view of cave formations, great stalactites and stalagmites illuminated in golden light. I would sit at the base of these tunnels on a rock and let the kids wander and play for about an hour, hearing their happy voices echo through the corridors.

The final leg of our journey took us out of the cave past a “mine tailings” exhibit where kids could search the gravel for shiny, colored rocks. Each guest was allowed to keep one or two rocks. Serious thought went into these choices. Pockets were emptied on flat surfaces and the rocks were admired, but in the end, only a few would become ours. We stored our treasure rocks in the small compartment in our stroller. One last stop before the big hill to the parking area was the excavation area where kids would put on goggles and chip off plaster from around “fossils” of ancient animals.

The snake and insect houses were either first or last, as they were located at the entrance. I don’t know if the kids remember these exhibits as much, but there were Gila monsters, scorpions that glowed under a black light, and rattlesnakes.

The end of a trip to the Desert Museum always felt like a triumph, having conquered the elements with every device we had. The drive home often included a trip to the McDonald’s drive up window on the fringe of civilization. It was hard work being desert explorers, but we loved it. If I could go back to Tucson for a few days, I would take the kids back to this magical place. Their longer, lankier bodies may not fit so easily in the cave, and some of that wonder of childhood would be gone, but I know that they would have fun. It was ALWAYS a good day at the Desert Museum. How many things in life are like that?

They Looked to their Mothers

Our children perform piano pieces in front of judges once or twice a year. I think it makes the piano teachers happy to have some validation for their efforts. I also think that these events push the kids to work harder and achieve a higher level of mastery. I’ve seen my children blossom under pressure and falter under pressure. I experience it with them, whatever the result.

One year at a judging event, I sat in a different place in the audience than I ever had before. Normally the audience faces a profile of the student and if you’re lucky, you can be on the side of the audience where you can watch their fingers fly over the keys. At this school where the judging was taking place, the audience surrounded the piano in a half circle in a choir room. I watched the pianists play through a window created by the raised grand piano lid. Framed by a wooden support and lid, I had a full view of their faces.

I watched many children perform through this new window and I noticed something I hadn’t seen from a profile view. Almost without exception, when a child ended his piece, he looked immediately to his mother.

They looked to their mothers, not the judges, not their peers. I met my two boys’ looks with silent, fervent approval and encouragement to carry them through the long pause while the judges made their notes between pieces. My inaudible support included a pantomime to remind them to breathe. I watched the other parents in their silent motions and expressions do the same.

I’ll always believe that the best honors go to mothers, and it’s not in the usual form of great accolades or certificates. It’s in the form of hastily-crayoned words on a lopsided, handmade heart; it’s being the person the child runs to when in danger, during sickness, or in times of worry; it’s being the person they want to talk to when something goes really well; it’s in their looks of vulnerable hope, framed under the piano lid, hoping to find encouragement. It’s enough for me to see my children look to me in times of trouble or excitement to know how important my job is.

Parenting in the Trenches

Last week we finally celebrated Timothy’s birthday, one month late, with his friends at an arcade. I baked some cupcakes just minutes before his friends arrived. I was thankful for the arcade. It was a redemption from Timothy’s frustration and a compensation for my lack of the fun gene in my DNA.

I had a mouth full of ulcers last week and these cankers were bad enough to put me to bed for about a day. Richard ran to the store for milk. The next day when I was feeling better, I bought milk before checking the refrigerator. When I got home from the store, I discovered that we had a combined total of 11 gallons of milk. Ha!

I received an email from the piano teacher asking me to monitor my child’s piano practice better. I don’t know how I am going to do that.

I gave my gray stocking hat to one of my sons who was sledding with friends. I watched him tuck it into his pocket rather than put it on his head as he walked away from me. Now the hat is missing.

I tried to register Daniel for EFY summer camp only to discover that we had lost and forgotten his passwords to get into the site. I called and waited on hold for an hour, and was scolded by the operator for my attempts to get around my lost password problem. “You shouldn’t have done that. Now it will take more time to fix it.” And later, “Oh, I’ll just register you myself,” she said with a sigh. “Thank you!” I said, genuinely grateful. Exhaustion had set in and I was docile as a lamb.

There was a prescription which took two days to acquire for one of the boys, including a trip to the doctor and 3 trips to the pharmacy. The clerk at the pharmacy was so helpful. I felt like she really understood, and I was so thankful.

We arrived at church separately, as usual, because of meetings, and we couldn’t find one another. Richard saved a place for me and I saved a place for him. We sat apart for a good portion of church before Richard found us.

I was late in renewing the library books again. It’s a good thing I am taking another violin student next month to help fund my forgetfulness. And the books aren’t even that good. They are fact books about Utah.

I took Mark to a book store during a lunch break and the clerk asked me why he wasn’t in school. It seemed odd to me that she was worried about his education. I was buying a stack of books for him! I just smiled and reassured her. In my mind I chanted, “I’m a good parent, I am a good parent, I am a good parent.”

And my definition of a good parent is someone who keeps trying, day after day, through all the challenges…and fun…and adventure.

Our First Teen Party

Our first teen party involving boys and girls took us by surprise one night in early 2015. Daniel asked if he could invite some friends over to play games in an hour. I assumed that Daniel was having another game night with the guys, which happens often enough. Daniel went to parties all the time with boys and girls, but never at our house. I had decided that our house was never going to be a magnet for teens. Among Daniel’s friends, you will find homes with a media room, pool, trampolines, ping pong, and pool tables. We have lots of books and a piano. I thought that ours could be the “bakery house” and I began preparing chocolate chip bar cookies to serve in an hour.

Soon the doorbell rang and in walked a girl with long blonde hair with some pink or purple streaks through it. I was so surprised that I just nodded to her from the sink, speechless until I finally spurted out a little hello as she disappeared down the stairs. Mark and Timothy hurried to me in tandem, eyes wide, and nostrils a little flared. “Who is THAT?” one whispered, clearly amused and looking a little mischievous.

Collecting myself, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal, I said, “That’s just Gamuhmuh (mumbled)… or somebody.” The truth was, I didn’t know this girl that just walked down to our basement with our 15-year-old son. I was unprepared to see girls coming in the house. No way was I ready to go downstairs to introduce myself, but I tried to listen for hints of what was going on. Now and then I heard the girl laugh. Everyone but this girl was a half an hour late to the party. I wondered if anyone else would show up. I was grateful that I had some cookies baking in the oven. This, at least, would be a way that I could naturally enter the conversation as I served cookies later. How could this girl have such an unsettling influence on me? Who was the adult here?

More kids showed up at the door, some familiar, but others strangers to me. My confidence wavered a little as each rang the bell, but I put on a confident face and smiled and waved from the kitchen as their heads disappeared behind the banister as they walked downstairs. When the sounds of male and female laughter continued to drift upstairs, I felt relieved that they were having fun. I began to think that it could be nice having Daniel’s friends over at our house for a change. I prepared the cookies on a plate and invited them to come upstairs.

I tried to remember all the things that make teenagers cringe about their parents. I decided to be the present, but silent type and try not to be one of them. It took me five minutes to fail with that plan in an uncomfortable attempt to joke around with one of the boys. Yes, I reminded myself, I would need to be the present, silent type of parent for sure. As they ate their snacks in the kitchen, I sat in the next room trying to be invisible. We were watching a movie, but all I could focus on was the flirting going on in the kitchen. The memories of my teenage attempts at interaction at game parties came back to me with clarity: I had been just like these kids. My hair had been bigger, but I was the same. And the empathy of the moment caused me some pain and a little amusement. It is hard to be a teenager.

There have been many parties, movie nights, and kids hanging out at our house since then. In the early days, I did bake, but I don’t always do that now. That first night, I learned from Daniel that they loved the baked goods; the girls liked my decorations; the house smelled good. It was a pleasant surprise to see that having a few girls over to the house made Daniel more aware of my efforts in homemaking and entertaining. I basked in the praise and the satisfaction that we can host a fun night for teens at the Ross home.

Louie Stories, 2008

Over several months when Timothy was 5 years old, I told him stories from my own imagination, shared in small installments each night in the dark. Sometimes he would ask me to repeat a story, and this would be a challenge because I didn’t write them down. My stories were about the adventures of a young mouse named Louie. When you are a third child and second son, few things come to you that aren’t hand-me-downs. Louie stories were my original, individualized gift to Timothy each night.

We lay on his pillow together at bedtime and Timothy would say, “Mom, can I have a Louie?” and remind me where we left off in the story the night before. While I spun my stories, Mark nestled in his blankets in the crib at the foot of Timothy’s bed. For those few months, Mark didn’t need me at bedtime and I could give Timothy some one-on-one attention. I avoided cutting my hair at this time because twirling it seemed to be linked to Timothy’s feelings of security at night.

I wrote a synopsis of Louie’s world that year to help me to remember it.

Louie is a young brown mouse living in the middle of a neighborhood in an empty lot. His neighborhood is friendly, with houses all around. Although there are people living around Louie, most of them do not know he is there. He has a few people friends but most things Louie does happen when people aren’t looking. It’s just safer that way. Louie’s best friend is a cat named Jack who lives up the street. Jack is an old orange cat who is too tired to chase mice anymore and often lets Louie ride on his back as Louie looks for adventures around the neighborhood.

In Louie’s world, a Cheerio is a full meal; trash left behind by humans is treasure; friends are those he can trust with the secret whereabouts of his house and family. His mom loves to see that Louie is well fed with interesting meals such as half a grape and a goldfish cracker or a Cheerio with a half an M&M for dessert. Louie’s mom also sees that Louie is tucked in at night and gets his rest.

Louie’s dad goes to the dump each day to forage for the family. Louie often goes along with his dad to the dump to find interesting and useful items to use around the mouse house. They dig into trash bags to find food to eat or lumber for the latest project. Popsicle sticks are an especially helpful find. Transportation to the dump is important, since Louie can’t scurry that far without getting exhausted. It’s a hilly road leading to the dump, and the well-worn roller skate makes for a great ride downhill.

The park is another place that Louie enjoys visiting. He has a possum friend who lives in the park trash can and there is a whole network of tunnels under the park where the park mice have dug nests and dens. Who knows if this is what real mice do? But in our stories, mice like tunneling. Louie visits mice friends named Sam and Rosie in the tunnels and an old, eccentric scientist mouse who keeps a helpful stash of batteries in his den.

Childhood bedtime rituals are as powerful as they are temporary. We both loved the Louie stories, but one night we stopped sharing them. Months went by and when I pondered what to give Timothy for Christmas, I decided to type up the stories and print them out in a book for him. Putting them in writing narrowly reflects the impromptu details and tenderness that accompanied their creation. They are merely echoes of one of the details of mothering, but for the memory of his childhood that that they represent, I am grateful.

Bags for Every Occasion

Bags for every occasion

Let me confess to you my naïveté about women’s handbags of any kind. I didn’t know that there was a world of high fashion bags until I was in my late twenties. Petunia Pickle Bottom bags weren’t invented when I bought my first diaper bag. When I became a mother, I went down to Kmart and bought a mint green diaper bag with pastel animals printed all over it. I had no opinions about diaper bags until I got home from that shopping trip.

Someone looked at my new bag and said, “I’ve always felt that the bag should reflect the taste of the mother, not her baby.”

“Ouch,” I thought, and never felt good about that bag after that.

There was a Louis Vuitton purse in my mom’s closet in 1997 that was a hand-me-down from my Great-aunt Susan. My mom didn’t like the purse and gave it to me. I was looking for a bag that could hold diapers without looking like a diaper bag since my mint green bag was juvenile, apparently. After a few months I realized that this cavernous purse without pockets didn’t suit my needs. It wasn’t attractive to me, so I donated it to charity along with some worn out clothes. Later, I learned that the bag was worth hundreds of dollars. (Facepalm.)

One of the most important bags that I have carried as a mother is the church bag. In the mothers’ room at church I learned from other women that plastic bags, multiple changes of clothes, and blankets were necessary for the newborn. When babies became toddlers and didn’t want to sit still, the church bag carried anything that would entertain.

For a typical week at church when the kids were young I would load my long-handled, fabric church bag with our Baby Bible, a bag of dry cereal, sippy cups, extra pacifiers, diapers, wipes, and toys, toys, toys. We had child-sized etch-a-sketches, magnetic paper dolls, fabric swatches to make dresses on princesses, sewing cards with laces, Bible cards, Book of Mormon games, puzzles, and markers that wouldn’t mark anything but their allotted book.

When Mark was born, Richard sat on the stand each Sunday with the bishop during sacrament meeting. I had 4 children to keep quiet on my own, so I got more inventive. Into the church bag went Great-grandma’s heirloom costume jewelry and porcelain dog. I let the children hold these if they were very good. Many children can hold precious things carefully, and this is an exercise in reverence. I filled plastic Easter eggs with small surprises. I purchased handfuls of hand puppets and finger puppets. I cut out felt books of stories from the Bible and the Book of Mormon.

I wouldn’t carry all of my tricks at once. I would rotate them in and out of the bag week by week. If I took the time to load the bag with plenty of quiet activities, not cars and action figures, the kids were more reverent. I learned that cereals with a lot of sugar were not a good idea because the kids would be grumpy after they ate these. I tried to serve snacks in the hallway before sacrament meeting so we weren’t crinkling wrappers and the kids didn’t learn to expect food when we sat in the chapel. These ideas, typed out in front of me now, seem like basic wisdom, but I they were hard-earned.

I have carried many bags over the years, but the diaper bag and church bag have been the most important. When I hear a young child upset at church I still look in my bag to find something to entertain. Unfortunately, my church bag just has pens and paper in it now. And it still doesn’t reflect my incredibly classy taste. Also, to those young mothers who have a Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag, good for you. All of you. A good bag, well-stocked, whether it is pretty or not, can make all the difference.