Category: Motherhood

Look!

I have watched his face this year, and for a little while, his cheeks were sunken and his eyes seemed dull. I have worried and prayed. I’ve had to trust that others would step forward, as my own legs were not made for this journey with him. But my heart has traveled in his shirt pocket, close and warm. It has flown above him, hovering just above his bright hair in hallways, hills, and classrooms. I gauged his strength by the notes on our piano. For a time, there was no music.

“Wait,” is all I hear from heaven.

Quietly, steadily, I watch grace unfold its pattern, like the snowflakes I cut out each winter. No matter how many I make, I still feel wonder when I open the folds.

“Look!” is a common word spoken by angels.

I didn’t have to wait for winter this year to reveal a pattern in the cuts and winnowing. It wasn’t a snowflake this time. It was a jack-o’-lantern, every feature smiling, especially the eyes.

My son is happy.

 

My current tool kit

My current tool kit for life includes:

Tissues: I sense over time that there is a correlation between trust and the number of tears I witness as a Relief Society president. When I hand a sister a tissue, I know her tears are precious, and I am honored to share the moment with her.

Chartreuse, Olive, Purple, Tan, and Silver Thread: These are the colors needed to sew on Scout patches. Recently, I transferred Mark’s patches to Daniel’s old shirt and moved Daniel’s old patches to a larger shirt. Timothy needed me to sew on about 15 merit badges. I do this sewing so they are prepared for big evenings like we had this week. Daniel completed his board of review for Eagle Scout rank, and I was asked to give a few words about his scouting experience. I shared a little of what it is like to send my 11 or 12-year-old to Scout camp for the first time, and to hear later from a leader that he did well. I shared what it feels like to let go, and see a son grow in leadership and ability because I allowed him some danger and adventure.  I didn’t earn Daniel’s Eagle for him. What I did was watch, wait, and encourage. This was the longer and more difficult path, but better. Later, I noticed this was the shirt I was wearing beneath my sweater for the Eagle board of review. Perfect.

One, Three-ring Binder for Each Child: When a child comes home with a certificate, report card, recital program, or blue card for a Scout merit badge, it goes in a sheet protector in this binder. When college and scholarship applications are due, this is a great reference for what they have done during high school. To keep merit badge blue cards organized, I use plastic sheets made for baseball trading cards. I can’t emphasize enough how important it was for me to keep track of these, through a move and changes in leaders.

Small notebooks: I carry these around with me so I can keep track of ideas, which swirl around me and are fickle about staying in my head very long.

Sugar free Ice Breakers Wintergreen Mints: because I talk to many people.

Small fabric bags with zippers in my purse: I have one for keys, and one for pens. They keep me organized.

A great phone plan for texting: for teens and church work

Laser printer: I am learning that writing a book means endless drafts.

Paper scriptures: Lately, I gravitate toward paper over electronic, because I have 20 years worth of notes in the margins of these scriptures. They have been steady friends during times of change.

Yearly tasks written on a calendar: In January, when I put up a new calendar, I took some time to write in the margins some hints about what needed to happen each month. For November, I wrote that during the first week I needed to go to a certain store for the best selection of Christmas cards. Another week we needed to do the Christmas picture. This has been so helpful! (And I realize probably everyone does this already.)

Less: Our family doesn’t need as much as it used to. Toys, art supplies, curriculum, and smaller clothing need to make steady exits from our house… as I have the courage to part with them.

If I think of you, I will make some effort to contact you: This isn’t a tangible thing in my tool kit, just an idea that I have recommitted to this month. Basically, I trust there are reasons I think of random people in a day, and make efforts to find out why.

I know you can guess who this is

This is an assignment for our sixth grader.

This is NOT an assignment that can be completed by a sixth grader without a lot of help.

I don’t know a sixth grader who can construct clothing that looks like it would fit a human but conform to the dimensions of a two liter bottle. It is taking all my will not to just make this thing myself.

I don’t know a sixth grader with the money and skills to shop all over town for doll size wire rim glasses and a tiny cowboy hat.

This is NOT a project appropriate for a sixth grader, but thank you for the doll project. I actually love making dolls.

Did you guess right about who this historical character is?

Yep. It’s Theodore Roosevelt. Mark nailed the teeth and mustache.

Senior Year

Oh, yes, I remember. This is how my heart feels during a child’s senior year of high school: squeezed, stretched, and anxious. I avoided it for a few weeks, but I have arrived at the tissue phase.

I have been working on compiling pictures of Daniel’s Scouting years so I can really wallow in the sweet agony.

Today’s journey through memory brings forth his collections, erudite vocabulary, his good leaders, a tiny blue cast for his leg, the homeschool years, desert views, piano playing, and speckled blue eyes.

A child’s influence is very powerful. Raising Daniel has been one of the greatest honors of my life.

Daniel’s Eagle Project

For Daniel’s Eagle project, we freed these teens who were locked in the nursery closet for several years. They had grown a few feet taller, and had survived on goldfish crackers and kept clean with hand sanitizer. They didn’t seem to be bored with the toys. They played happily with the cash register, farm toys, tools, puzzles and kitchen sets as we cleaned the area. The reunions with their parents were too precious to photograph.

The shelf installation went smoothly. Not pictured are many people who donated the materials for the project, and Daniel’s grandpa who helped him with a design and ideas. I feel very grateful for the support people showed Daniel.

Today’s ugly jobs

The eery sunrise through smoke in the air makes the day feel ominous. We have found the familiar indentations on the path for school routines: get up, make lunches, eat breakfast, pray, run out the door, leave Mom.

I have a morning without commitments. I wonder what I should do?

I will spare you the mountain of laundry that awaits and the loss I feel for my old occupation.

I have many other enjoyable things to do today. These are just the things I don’t want to do, and they will be finished in less than 30 minutes.

That’s the good thing about tasks at home. Many can be finished in minutes.

You are not doing this wrong.

I visited a friend earlier this year, when one of my children was going through some real trials. When she asked about my family, I shared that we were having a rough time, but no details. She leaned in and said to me, “It’s harder on the mom, I think.” It was really helpful for someone to acknowledge my pain, the pain from watching someone go through difficult experiences, even the pain of worry, anger (not for the child), and helplessness. Somehow, her words meant that I wasn’t doing it all wrong. I knew my child’s pain was greater than mine, and I couldn’t carry the child away from the trial and make everything better, so I ached inside.

While I will never share the specifics of what happened to our child, and between us, and between God and each of us, I want to share some hope, like my friend gave to me.

Chances are, you are not doing this wrong, if you are feeling pain for a child who is struggling.

Additionally, there are ways to allow the Savior to carry the pain. He is mighty to save, and so kind! One is to search for answers in the scriptures. I spent a lot of time reading the Book of Mormon, combing the passages for insights. There were many answers there. Plead for answers while partaking of the sacrament. I felt specific, clear directions during this sacred time. Pour out your soul in prayer, as often as you need it, and His help will come.

Some quotes that I needed during this difficult time:

 

Prayers of a Mother... general conference 2013

General Conference 2015 FREE Printable Quotes - This is going to be our new family motto! Loved this talk from Sister Marriott!

(images from Pinterest)

Kindness

Is there anything better than an older relative who spends time with you when you are little? Maybe they rescue you and help you get to shore; maybe they take time to play a child’s game, or dance with you when Grandma tells you it’s time to dance. I wish I knew how the kids learned to show such kindness and empathy. I like to think they learned it long before they came to us. I didn’t ask the kids to do these things. I really like seeing these photos of our kids being kind.