I step into her small apartment, book lined and bright in the late afternoon. I notice the skin on her arms is translucent and tinged with blue. This is the first time I have seen her since her diagnosis of bone cancer. She is just home, exhausted from treatments, and the television is on. It is September 11, 2001, and I have made sloppy joes. I slip into the kitchen and see that her refrigerator is full of food, almost untouched. I see that my food is not needed, and wonder how long my meal will sit in her refrigerator before she throws it away. It is a day of utter waste. In protest, I break a rule and give her a hug when she asks what’s become of the world. I have come to know that when we bring a meal to someone, the food is just a vehicle for connection.
Category: Life according to Angela
I like this.
My friend recommended this to me and now I am telling you. It’s The Book of Mormon, 2013 edition, organized by events, not chapters. Nothing has been taken out and it is still written in the same order.
I like it because:
- It is easier to read than normally formatted scripture, as it is written in paragraphs. (Verses and chapters are still visible.)
- The authors’ and speakers’ names are written in the left margins so it is clear whose voice you are reading.
- There are large margins for notes.
- Dates and places are in the right margins, making it easier to place the events.
- Because the authors are identified, and I think for the most part the editors are accurate, I have been able to see Mormon’s efforts in greater detail. I read more emphasis into the words that are directly from the Lord, and like isolating the doctrines from different prophets. I am coming to know each prophet better.
- The book has a nice feel; it’s not too light, and opens flat, even though it is a paperback.
Let me know if you give it a try and enjoy it.
Decorations
I don’t think “conflict” is the word that describes my relationship with my kids, but I earned the Broken Heart, Bravery During Driver’s Training, and Legion of Worry just this week. I am not a candidate for Outstanding Restraint this week, and the dishes are not done.
Persona
I read a book about how to write a memoir, and there was a chapter about creating a persona. The authors contrasted their writing personas with their true personalities. Each was very funny in writing, but admitted that in person, she was more complicated. One even shared she was a bit depressive.
I like to think that the overall positive, thoughtful persona I try to nurture here is my truest self, but maybe it is not.
I am a reclusive, sensitive, intense person who is often exhausted after basic interactions with people. I interrupt Richard and try to finish his thoughts as he is speaking. I can be abrupt and I don’t like family reunions. I have a terrible sugar habit and hate to exercise. There is a smell in our house that has been here since we moved in and I can’t stand it. It is endlessly frustrating. I suffer emotionally when one of my family members is sick. I am struggling to find purpose in house work. I wonder if I will ever ice skate again, or make the time to go to a special bookstore. I regret that I don’t enjoy most vacations. I regret that the collagen and elastin in my skin gave out before I ever had a good tan. I don’t regret that I wear hats and got braces as an adult. I don’t regret home schooling. I love the sunlight in the kitchen in the morning and the sound of my violin when I am thinking about something. I sip a mug of warm milk at least once a day. I need to be courageous to be fulfilled. I keep a lot of secrets. I love dill, sourdough bread, and fashion. I wish I had a telephone friend, one who would call me, and I would never have to call her. In exchange, she would never want for a good listener. I wish I had a pen pal. And that is enough of this nonsense.
Gratitude List
Here are a few items from the last two weeks:
Feb 26-March 4
- No more stitches.
- The Book of Mormon nourished me.
- Binding a quilt was therapeutic.
- The Relief Society council I led went well.
- An evening with a friend
- Timothy got his learner’s permit to drive.
- People showed appreciation for my work.
- Team 6411 did well.
- Daniel was accepted to BYU.
Feb19-25
- Snow
- Richard finally well after many weeks with the flu
- Boys are registered for AP exams.
- I met a neighbor I didn’t know when she helped push the car out of the snow.
- Several friends brought us dinner.
- No cell phone for 3 days
- New phone to replace the broken one
- The boys helped me shop because my arm was in a splint.
- Successful Relief Society dinner
- A neighbor invited me in when I stopped by to visit her.
- My mom was available to help when Paige had hives.
Finished Doll Quilt
Well, I finished it. I really like how it turned out, even if my hand quilting is not great. It makes me appreciate the tiny stitches in one of my heirloom quilts even more. Many of the doll blocks were made by my friends in quilt group about 2 years ago, and this quilt will always remind me of them. My sisters and Mom helped me begin quilting it, and it sat in a storage room for months. I did most of the stitching during the winter Olympics, of course. It is the perfect lap quilt in size and coziness and memories.
Ironing shirts does bad things to me
This video is really lame, but I felt so sad today as I ironed Daniel’s church shirt that I turned up the music to perk myself up. I won’t get to do this little service much longer.
Ed Sheeran is my sound track to life lately. Don’t judge.
Sometimes we need someone to tell us we are ok
I had my stitches removed yesterday. After a week in an uncomfortably large splint up to my elbow, I was nervous to move my injured hand at all. After hearing my questions about wound care and mobility concerns, the doctor sat back and reassured me that I had healed beautifully. I really was ok. Today I see the truth to what he said, now that some stiffness and tenderness have worn off.
Today during my prayers, I had a long list of to do’s that I wanted the Lord to help me contort myself to accomplish. During the prayer, a thought that came to my mind: forget the baking project. In other words, I am ok without doing all of the extras.
I wonder if Mary worried that she wasn’t doing enough as she took time to sit with the Savior as Martha served. Did she feel some relief when she heard the words, “One thing is needful”? This concept always makes my cumbered mind feel so much better. Focus on the basics. If there is time for more, great. If not, you have already chosen the good part.
I won’t be delivering cupcakes with buttercream flowers piped on them to my committee today. I won’t finish hand embroidering a towel for a bridal shower. Really, only one thing on my list is needful, and I will do it peacefully and with purpose.
I am so ok with that.
Couch conductor
10:30 pm Sunday night. I am recovering well from a hand laceration. Richard still has no energy after the flu. The boys play trumpet and piano while we rest.
Last Sunday Timothy gave a talk in church with 30 minutes to prepare. He did so well!
Timothy and Mark played in a piano recital on Tuesday night.
It was a good week to be a parent.
Daniel advanced to a regional level in the Sterling scholar competition.
Daniel was named a National Merit Finalist.
Paige began work towards a summer internship in New York.
I finished hand-quilting my international doll quilt. I will finish the binding some other day.
Richard and I watched the John Adams miniseries, except when my eyes were closed during the violence and 18th century surgeries.
We watched Wonder. Tears streamed freely for me.
I can’t type this week as my hand heals, so this is it for a while.
Signals
A line of light from the kitchen streams beneath our bedroom door: someone is up early.
The pantry door squeaks: the boys are hungry.
No sounds from the basement bedroom: someone has slept in.
The rumble of the garage door: someone is returning or leaving.
The squeal of pipes through the wall: someone is in the shower.
The floor shakes with muted explosive sounds: someone is watching a Star Wars movie with surround sound in the basement.
Ding! A message from Richard or Paige
Bing! A message from Timothy
Chime! A message from Daniel
Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap: the dog needs to come back inside.
“Here’s to the Fools who Dream…”: I am doing dishes or mopping.
Sniff, sniff beneath the door: the dog is looking for Richard.
Bwa ha ha ha: Mark is watching YouTube videos.
Scratchety scratch scratch: the dog is cold and needs to come inside.
Clickety clickety clickety clickety: Daniel is typing.
Long, sullen pauses and no eye contact: oh, boy, am I in trouble.
Crinkle, crinkle: I turn the pages of my scriptures.
Beeeeeeep, beeeeeeep: the chicken is cooked.
Blat blat blat: trombone practice
Toot toot toot: trumpet practice
Brrrrrruuum, diddly dum: a son practices piano.
Ping, pingy ping: Paige is playing the piano.
Lawrence Welk is on: it’s haircut time.
The hallway floor creaks: someone is looking for me.
Light streams beneath our bedroom door: someone is up late.
Longer stretches of silence each day: the kids are growing up and leaving.