Life according to Angela – Page 36

Grab Bag

There’s just a random collection of things to share this week.

Reading: Simple Justice by Richard Kluger (history about Brown v. Board of Education) and Miss Buncle novels (fun)

Eating: corn on the cob and every fruit

Thinking about: my next writing project (Which project do I choose? How long will I spend each day working on it? Who is my audience? How will I find the solitude to do it?)

Looking back over the month of June: We got through all the doctor checkup appointments and wisdom teeth extractions. I hiked more than I have in years. We finished and ordered 50 copies of my dad’s book.

Watching: a broad variety of things, mostly with Mark, who is also a cinephile. If you like biography, the Garth Brooks documentary on Netflix was interesting and inspiring. For kids, we liked Luca and The Mysterious Benedict Society on Disney+. Richard and I enjoyed The Terminal with Tom Hanks.

Listening to: Elmer Bernstein’s To Kill a Mockingbird soundtrack; Josh Groban (His duet, Both Sides Now, with Sara Bareilles is really good, but it’s impossible for me to sing along); silence.

Relieved about: the dogs behind our house are gone.

The sounds of their panting and long-nailed feet as they scrambled down rotten deck stairs when they heard me open the back door were nightmarish. But the barking was terrifying.

Wondering: if this blog is worth anyone’s time.

Inspired by: the people of Ammon in the Book of Mormon (Alma 26; 27:10, 29-30) What acts of courage are required of me? Also, Doctrine and Covenants 67 is a beautiful formula and foundation for staying true to the faith: trust the Creator, don’t focus on flaws of leaders, don’t fear, don’t be prideful and jealous. God will reveal himself to you as you are humble. Continue in patience.

Seek not to be cumbered

It’s been a personal project for several years to write fewer things on my TO DO list. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my plans. I want to be focused, but flexible.

I began simplifying so I could be more present with my family. As I look back on a couple years of efforts to simplify, I see it has sometimes been a struggle. At times, I resented that it was my own fault that I was too busy. Wasn’t I supposed to be achieving and stretching? I felt sorry for myself when I didn’t allow more check marks to prove my value. I feared that I was limiting myself. It is so ingrained in our culture to be busy that I felt like I was choosing to be lazy. I didn’t trust that I was still “anxiously engaged in a good cause” if I was free in the evenings, available to talk or watch a show.

Over time, I began to see that clear space in the day is essential. This is the creative space, the spontaneous, fun space, the space for connection. I have noticed that I am producing as much as I ever did, and I’m still making steady progress towards larger goals. The big difference is that I am less weary, distracted, and fragile.

So, for the past few years, I haven’t let myself fill every line in the day planner. The idea is to have empty lines and white space on the page.

I like to choose a monthly focus and a few weekly goals. I choose a focus of the month to remind myself that I don’t need to think about everything all the time. This month, the focus is Health. Next month, the focus is Celebrations. Sometimes there isn’t a neat focus word for the month but I write down a word or two to help me see where I am headed. It helps!

Last week’s reading assignment in the Doctrine and Covenants had a line that stood out to me, “Seek not to be cumbered.” (Doctrine and Covenants 66:10; See also Luke 10:40.) To me this means don’t try to fill life so full, even with good things, that I can’t enjoy the best things. I think it also means adjusting my attitude about the things I must do. Sometimes the most cumbersome thing I deal with is my own terrible attitude. I believe no matter your season of life, your personality, or challenges, that “seek not to be cumbered” is a really good idea.

In No Particular Order

Josh and Tim in a garage with their yard equipment. Love them.

Daniel is working a few jobs and resumes school at BYU next week. He dresses up for work. So handsome.

We drove past this scene and turned around to be sure. Was that thing real?

Why yes, it is real. G.O.A.T. and he knows it.

Not going to lie, I am not working on this right now, but it is waiting for me.

My dad’s book is in the hands of the book binders now. This is a big deal.

Richard, Mark, and I have been hiking frequently in this area near our house. Mark is a speedy hiker.

Summer goes by so quickly!

Quiet house

Are you ready for a new week? I’m not. Last week I did a lot of things, but this week should be more quiet. As I hurried about last week, I listened to some music to keep things going. I don’t usually listen to music when I am at home, but I heard this twice within a couple of days and it reached my heart.

I also rarely listen to podcasts, and that is something that makes me feel increasingly different than the crowd. I am not an auditory learner. A podcast doesn’t stay in my head, so it’s mostly a waste of time. I read a lot, not just the books I keep a record of here, but news, psychology, science, and economics articles. I don’t listen to music much at home because I just like the quiet, punctuated by piano practice. In the car, it’s often classical music for me, not because I am a snob, but because it reminds me of my teen years playing chamber music. It’s quite often that I hear a piece I have played and it makes me happy.

I hope you find music and quiet and wonderful noise to fill your week, and that you have a good book to read.

Tears and status as a child of Heavenly Parents

I saw a funny post on social media about how to take your child to college. It was a picture of a mother wearing sunglasses with a piece of tissue wedged beneath each lens. Yes.

When I think of the many tears I cried as I anticipated Paige leaving home, I realize now that this was a little indulgent. Going to college was such a positive thing for her, and memories are not lost when a child leaves. In fact, memories improve with time. Yet those tears were part of my own steps to grow in understanding.

During the turbulent weeks of uncertainty leading to Daniel’s evacuation from his mission during Covid lockdowns and international borders closing, I felt so much fear, but now I know there was no danger. Yet that anguish and loneliness were understood and met as I prayed and meditated during those awful weeks. These were the weeks when I really learned about the ministering of angels.

The tears for Tim’s growing up have arrived. Perhaps these tears will seem unnecessary when I look back on them, and surely this ache I feel should be tempered with experience and perspective, but I can’t always be reasonable. I don’t feel less with time, I might actually feel more. Certainly, each experience of preparing children to leave home is unique and each child is loved so individually. How can I possibly think that I have any of this “down” and handle it any other way?

While my tears and feelings of loss may be like a child’s fear, unfounded and illogical, these are times when I learn the most about my children and my own status as a child of God.

I am loved enough that God sends help when I think there is danger, even when He knows there is no danger. He sends comfort when I fear things that He knows are unreasonable. Our Heavenly Parents understand our feelings because they have loved and said goodbye to each of us and know all about this part of the experience. Through tough goodbyes, I am given a gift of discernment to know how special each child is, not just to me, but to a larger circle than I can see.

Goals

It’s Monday and I have been searching for my goals for the week. Sometimes the goals are obvious and simple and are a natural fit for scheduled events. Sometimes, like this week, I have shallow goals about rearranging furniture that I will keep on the list, but they don’t deserve to be a main focus for the week.

I have three goals that I keep thinking about, but continue to push away. In fact, I haven’t written them down yet because I don’t like them. One is that I know I need to invite this person to walk with me one day this week. Next, I know I need to contact an isolated friend who I have not shown up for in a long time. The last is that I ache to play my violin.

Cue the voices of doubt,

But she will probably not want to walk with me because I am old and I don’t think she likes me.

It’s too late, what can I possibly do to make up for lost opportunities?

I just want comfort this week of high school graduation, not growth.

I will never be able to sustain the practice I need to improve on the violin.

If I say I want to have an open correspondence with God, I need to listen when He speaks to me so I am fluent in His language. Above all, I want to be trusted with His work. Here are some ways that I have come to recognize God’s voice:

The instruction is simple. It’s not usually a full step-by-step plan, but a thought or idea with a simple statement such as, “Invite her to go on a walk this week.”
The idea persists. I can’t neglect it without knowing I am failing to live my best life.
The idea is sometimes accompanied by emotion.
The idea is something that will make me happy.

I guess this week is to be about courage and people and growth, not just comfort. I am changing my list. Thanks for helping me sort this out.

♥️,

Like old times

Mark and Tim won’t be required to wear masks at school next week. Someday these masks will seem distant, and our boys have had to wear them the most, as they attended school in person 4 days a week during the school year.

Richard and I enjoyed Mark’s first and only in-person band concert since 2019. He plays the trumpet as a freshman in an audition band. We couldn’t choose a favorite piece they played, we enjoyed them all. We have been allowed to go to many events at the high school this month, and aside from the masks on our faces, it is just like old times. It’s an encouraging sign of better days to be able to walk into the high school and cheer for our kids again.

Symbols

If I could choose a symbol for Tim right now, it would be his stack of work shirts on laundry day. It’s a point of contentment for me to know he works hard.

Another symbol might also be his 1980 Fiat Spider. Right now the car is an empty shell as Tim installs new carpet and paints the interior. It’s a daunting project, but he is chill about it. He knows how to work and have fun.

Tim has a regional woods competition this week. I can’t wait to show you his finished cabinet and bed. They are beautifully made.

Recognition

Effort in life is not always recognized. Sometimes it’s because the work is behind the scenes, or people are too busy to take the time to say something. Sometimes it’s because people see the work as effortless or habitual and they take it for granted. A very few see effort and turn to jealousy. Most people, though, are simply not aware.

Dr. Barbara Morgan Gardner, a religious educator said,

Worthwhile effort is often only perceptible to those who have put forth similar effort. This is true for any topic, whether it be calculus, home economics, or whatever the work is. People who put forth significant effort recognize somebody else who has put forth that effort.
Barbara Morgan Gardner, from an address given at the 2020 BYU LDS Educators Society Conference, featured in the McKay Today School of Education magazine, Spring 2021.

When we are young and developing talents, there are many ways to find recognition for our work. Mentors are everywhere. Eventually, there comes a time when that begins to turn. We become the mentors. This, too, takes effort, but there is little recognition here.

This quote led me to think about the Savior’s efforts. I exist in his efforts, as if in water, yet I don’t know the depth of that water. I hope I am growing in my recognition of what he has done for me.

Vaccines

One by one, our family gets closer to being fully vaccinated for Covid-19. I have had the worst time this weekend after my second dose, but I am still grateful for vaccines. They are miracles.