Angela – Page 56 – Letters from Home

Looking back

There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer.
Zora Neale Hurston

I have thought about this quote a lot this week. At first, I agreed with it, but changed my mind. I don’t think our lives show up as one thing one year and another thing the next. Life is more nuanced than that. Yes, some answers are better seen after the experience, but I want to say that answers are always in the works.

I think it’s our tendency to generalize about time. I might say I had a bad day, when really, the bad stuff lasted a few minutes. We might have a tendency to say the past few years have been uncertain, but when I look at what I have learned during this time of really tough experiences, can I really say I have lived without answers? No! These years of poor health, deaths, and uncertainty have given me extra life experience and many answers in a consolidated time. Looking back, I am able to see more accurately that answers were always descending, helpers were prepared to do their thing, and clarity came, one adjustment at a time.

Morning light

As I read the scriptures, I try to keep a running list of promises the Lord has made to his covenant people. This was my goal as I approached the book of Jeremiah, and my morning study time during the last few weeks has been dominated by His promises in this book. I ran out of dedicated space in my notebook, and the promises poured onto another sheet of paper. I learned that there are so many good things to come!

This kind of study is one reason I can say that God is good. I know for myself what He has said, what He has done, and what He has promised to do.

The book of Jeremiah has brought me a lot of hope that I did not see coming.

“As you study your scriptures… I encourage you to make a list of all that the Lord has promised He will do for covenant Israel. I think you will be astounded! Ponder these promises. Talk about them with your family and friends. Then live and watch for these promises to be fulfilled in your own life.”
Russell M Nelson

General Conference Weekend

Richard arranged for our family to enjoy one last camping trip this year. He reserved a large campsite in Midway with beautiful views of the changing leaves on the mountains and Heber Valley. It was chilly, but we enjoyed generous food portions, a break from phone service, plenty of hot cocoa, and singing around the fire with a guitar. Life felt pretty good. Happy 23rd Birthday to Daniel! And happy Conference weekend.

General Conference

Letting go

Our kids are well beyond the kindergarten stage, so why have I kept their school papers all these years?

Denial that they are grown and gone

Nostalgia for those sweet days with our kids

Avoiding emotions

These papers are proof that I accomplished something as a home educator.

NO MORE. This week I got rid of nearly all my children’s home school papers, saving just a few things that make my heart flip. I have emptied several shelves this week, yet somehow the bookcases are still full. My random piles of books are finding homes on the empty shelves, and I am gaining momentum in my ability to part with things.

Educating my children was a big part of my life, so this process of parting with papers is emotional. I have learned that most children are not sentimental about their school projects, so there is no need to save much. I know now that whatever I save is mainly for me. Understanding this has made the process much easier. I remind myself that I don’t need every writing sample, but I would like a few pages of each child’s writing and some special projects and art. This script made it possible for me to part with several armloads of paper and workbooks, which I lowered into the garbage can, carefully, as I would into a grave.

It occurs to me that keeping a small, curated collection is a greater tribute to these years than a bunch of binders bursting with paper.

After each session of cleaning, I comfort myself by reading or cross stitching. All these realizations and diversions help me to face the task of letting go.

I’m almost finished with this one. Do you recognize it? It is based on a Klimt painting called The Kiss. I love the colors.

Harvest

On Sundays, I visit various Primaries, and sometimes I am really aware of my outsider status. I move in a different orbit than my family and most friends. I came home last Sunday depleted and full of insecurities about the way I had interacted with people that day. My reaction to the day was mainly because I was tired and hungry, and I am just fine after some rest and a serendipitous find.

Today, as I removed some old books from a bookcase, I uncovered two albums of notes that were written to me from friends at church. I hadn’t looked at them in years. I read page after page of thank you’s, encouragements, and kind observations, and this restored some of what I have lacked lately: a steady dose of my ward friends. These notes are part of a harvest I have enjoyed from my past church callings.

The harvest from my church service, past and present, continues. I have wonderful friends, my children have learned how to serve, and I can fall back on so many life lessons from my experiences. I also see that our sacrifices have yielded blessings that I can’t name, as they are personal, steady, and continue to catch me by surprise. God is very generous.

Mark’s first school dance

Neighborhood Gathering

I hope these familiar faces continue to also feel like a novelty. I won’t forget their kind acts when we have experienced sickness, grief, and storms. May these people who have cheered for our children understand what that has meant to us. May they see that we love them. May we appreciate the blessing that it is to gather. I hope they always feel welcome in our home.

no other gift

This is the first gift that I bestowed upon you; and I have commanded that you should pretend to no other gift until my purpose is fulfilled in this; for I will grant unto you no other gift until it is finished.
Doctrine and Covenants 4:5

Sometimes I feel restless for the next step. We are almost finished raising children at home and I feel interested to know where to put my energy.

Some insight came last week as I studied the Doctrine and Covenants. This verse is about the gift of translation for Joseph Smith, but I learned a few things about my own situation from these words.

My phase of life is a gift. These are important, poignant days in our family.

I don’t need all the gifts at once.

There will be other gifts when this phase is finished.

I need to be patient and see this through.

There is no need to pretend a work other than the one the Lord has planned for me. It is enough.

Projects update

I can’t stop making these little cross stitch pictures, and I can finish one in about a week. Since our piano has been in the shop, Mark and I have spent a lot of time at the church so he can practice the piano and organ in the chapel. I sit and listen, stitch, and rest. I give these little creations as gifts to friends, and the pictures leave my shelves almost as quickly as I can produce them. I post them here as a record that they were made.

If I keep working, I might have a Dresden plate quilt to show for the year. I don’t feel any rush to finish this quilt, which is nice, so I can enjoy the process.

I can look back at photos of a quilt, doll, or cross stitch project and remember the circumstances around their creation. I remember who was with me while I worked. I recall the stresses and joys of the time. I remember the loved ones for whom they were made. Creation is tied to life, and it doesn’t seem to matter what I create, whether it is with fabrics, home decor, paint, or words, my creations hold my history.

To the degree

Today, the repeated phrase, “to the degree” stood out to me.

“Good women of the world will be drawn to the Church… to the degree that women of the Church”:

Reflect righteousness and articulateness in their lives.
Are seen as distinct and different–in happy ways– from the women of the world.

To the degree implies we can grow in our ability to repent, be seen, and be understood.

To the degree implies that we choose the depth of our discipleship to Christ. We also choose the level by which we are seen as disciples.

To the degree implies that our potential influence is vast.

What will we do with this call to be different, to reflect righteousness, to articulate truth, to have the courage to be seen?