Post-edit note: Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I was calmer than I have ever been while playing in public, and that was a miracle in my life. The arrangement and my accompanist were amazing and I feel good about the song. I want to clarify that I love my “student violin” because it has done its job: I have learned to play the violin and I have had many wonderful experiences with music with it under my chin! The negative things that someone told me about my violin were not solicited. I have never asked someone to find fault with my instrument. Violin people can be snobby. I don’t want to sound snobby! I didn’t intend my words about the violin to be seen as a complaint, but to emphasize that we are all imperfect “instruments” that God chooses to use for His purposes and our benefit. Isn’t it great to look back on a difficult task and see the hand of God strengthening you though it? He loves us.
I love public speaking. I love presenting lessons. But I don’t get to do that very often. I feel like Alma in The Book of Mormon when he said, “O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people.”
Later he acknowledges that he “sin[s] in his wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted to me.” (Alma 29:1, 3)
Some of my zeal for speaking and teaching comes from pride in one of my talents. Some of it comes from the power of testimony. However, I am learning for myself what Moses and others have learned: God doesn’t always ask us to use our best talents. Sometimes (most often?) we are asked to act in one of our weak areas.
Instead of teaching, I am asked to share my testimony with a student violin and with a smaller talent that I struggle to find time to nurture. Instead of the favored path of hours of study and writing, I am asked to practice the violin, which is monotonous and lacks vistas of great thinking from favorite authors. (I should probably spend more time marveling at the work of the great composers I am practicing.) It also reminds me constantly of where I need to improve.
I have struggled with insecurity in my abilities. It wasn’t always this way. I just got out of practice. So, I resolved last year to practice the violin more often. I don’t enjoy practicing, but my confidence in playing in public is increasing, and my skills are better. I have also learned to ask people to pray for me.
My instrument is still old and needs new strings, a new bridge, and some repair. I’ve been told that no matter what I do, I won’t be able to play any louder on this instrument. So be it. I have learned that although imperfect, my violin playing is an acceptable sacrifice and God’s grace is sufficient to overcome my fears. (Ether 12:27)
Perhaps the greatest gift in being asked to play the violin in public is that it forces me to come out of myself and my securities, and the raw faith of that act may have greater effect on the hearts of others than my words would ever have. I’m not so selfish to think that it’s all about me. I really hope to bless others.
I’m playing a challenging piece tomorrow in church. Here is a recording of Jenny Oaks Baker playing it. I would appreciate your prayers.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSXM6LS4km4
