Motherhood – Page 42 – Letters from Home

State of grace

I’ve been hoping for some photos from the Scout Camp that Daniel attended this summer to add to this post, but my feelings for what occurred with Daniel don’t require a photo to convey.

Scout Camp was just what Daniel needed and I will always be thankful for his leaders.

Parenting has made me feel very inadequate lately. Some of this feeling comes because I know that I am a flawed person. Some of this feeling comes because the kids don’t need me in the same ways that they used to and I’m trying to figure it all out. The kids are trying to figure out who they are and some days they long for more independence, but on others they need extra support.

I will admit that one of my biggest challenges in parenting is how to handle all of the technology that my children want to use. Some days it seems like all I do is monitor time spent on the computer, Wii, and watching Netflix. We have set time limits, but screen time tends to blur capacity for self control. It’s no fun being the screen time sheriff, but I am diligent. Some days I feel like a martyr. I sacrifice my easy tone and adopt an uncomfortable iron will to keep them from being tied too closely to the computer and television. It’s parenting in the trenches. The enemy is in the house and it takes courage to keep it at a distance.

Daniel has needed some space and I have struggled to help him find the it while still parenting and guiding. We sent him to Scout camp hoping that the time away would nurture his need for independence, challenge, and friendships with other young men.

When he saw me for the first time after camp he gave me a long hug. I don’t know why. Whether it was the corny songs and cheers, the camaraderie of leaders and friends, the nights under the stars, particularly poor cooking, a week away from the computer, or a combination of all of these things, I was grateful for whatever it was that brought Daniel to a place that he wanted to give me a hug.

This state of grace that Daniel was given at camp was a magnet for the young cousins at our family reunion. He spent time wrestling and nurturing them. He caught them in the freezing river and waded them to shore; he was helpful and he was magnificent.

Daniel is an amazing young man and he has grown more patient and unselfish this year. He’s also grown about 5 inches. Anyone under that kind of physical stretching is going to have some adjustments to make in the way he moves, talks, sits, and interacts with the world. I’m cheering for him all the way.

My Conference Notebook

This morning I am finishing my conference notebook. I got this idea from a religion course my mom took at BYU. The idea is to find the quotes that are meaningful to you from the words of the prophets and compile them by topic into a document.

This summer I read the General Conference addresses from the May Ensign and marked the passages that meant something to me. Next, I went through the marked passages and placed a post-it note at the top of the page with a topic written on it. I color coded these post-it notes, pink for motherhood, yellow for revelation, etc.

Using an electronic version of the Conference addresses, I am copying and pasting the quotes by topic into a Word document.

Through this exercise I have discovered that these are the topics that were important to me this year:

Motherhood
Priesthood
Revelation
Trials
Chastity
Marriage
Prayer
Media
Peace
Missionary Work
Obedience
Atonement of Jesus Christ
Mormonism IS Christianity

Everything in its Place

Today I may have unpacked the last box from last year’s move. It is another one of those unsung triumphs in my work.

Such as…

a sink with no dirty dishes,

a well-stocked bathroom cabinet with clean towels and plenty of t.p.,

an organized storage room with labeled boxes,

a room with a year’s supply of basic food items, well monitored,

clean baseboards,

functional light bulbs in each fixture,

a child’s closet with neatly folded hand-me-downs ready for use in a couple of years,

bills paid and checks deposited,

freezers full of meat, bread, and vegetables,

a carefully curated gallery of artwork by the children,

family photo albums intact and up to date,

rotating decorations on the mantel to celebrate holidays and changes in season,

magazines prominently displayed for use and old editions filed away,

jackets on hooks and shoes in baskets, laundry carefully folded (and unfortunately never ironed!),

the dog fed,

the humidifier cleaned,

the awards, programs, report cards, assignments, and papers are sorted and saved,

sugar and flour bins stocked,

seeing that the bookmarks in the children’s scriptures move steadily forward,

and so on.

My quiet life feels even more quiet this week with the kids away at school, but I know that this collection of small tasks that I do each day makes our lives better. What a blessing to be the one who gets to have so much time to reflect and ponder, to work and develop talents in the quiet of the house, all the time looking forward to the hour when they all come back through the doors and begin pounding on that piano, ringing on that cello, running through the yard, and crashing within the bins of Legos.

Someday when the kids are grown and out of the house, I’m quite sure that after the piano music I will miss the sound of crashing Legos in their bins. Echoes of this sound will always remind me of my boys.

First Day of School

I said goodbye to the kids this week and I am a little sad. Someone gave me an unexpected discount at the store and I sobbed for 5 minutes in my car about it. I hyperventilate when I hear a song on the radio that matches my mood. Every emotion is ready to jump out with any provocation, especially when I am alone.

Who knows how many hours I agonized over the decision about schools this summer, but peace eventually settled in my heart. I’m not sad about the decision. I am sad because I miss the kids.

They are going to have a good year. They have friends, they have goals, they are great students.

Fun

While at the Church garden last night the boys discovered this tomato. We think it looks a like a profile of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh.

Our theme is fun this week. We ate shaved ice from a stand down the street. I took the younger boys to shop for Legos. They saved a lot of money over the summer and were itching to spend it. To commemorate their new love of Hobbit-lore, Timothy bought the Lego set of Bilbo Baggins’s home which includes a round door, maps, a garden, lots of food, Gandalf, and several dwarves. Mark bought a Ninjago Lego set with a front-end drill that works by a gear mechanism. He loves gears. Left on our bucket list of summer is a trip to the pool and completion of a reading goal for Timothy.

I’m going to throw a back to school party this year. I’ve never done it before, but I think we could all use a pep rally and some homemade ice cream.

Twenty years from now

I think the kids will remember the night we brought home our new tent trailer and let them sleep in it in the backyard. I think they might also remember that I read aloud from The Hobbit that night, and it just happened to be the chapter with Gollum and Bilbo doing riddles in the dark. I did my best to do a worthy Gollum voice. Good times.

Difficult news

We have been on a small family vacation and returned last night to some sad news. Mark’s first grade teacher, Mrs Alice Crankshaw, passed away early in July.

Mark is not upset, but has wondered aloud, “Where do you think she put the present we made for her?”

I am very sad that she is gone; we had hoped that she would be Mark’s second grade teacher. I respect her so much for the way she worked to meet Mark’s needs at school. She called us four or five times throughout the year to talk to me about things she had observed about Mark. This meant a lot to me. She welcomed me to her classroom to teach art and read with her students. I observed that she loved her students; I observed that she was very dedicated and generous.

I will remember her as a blessing in our lives because she made the transition to a new state and public school much easier to bear.

Last Day of School

The kids finished school last week. We were busy, then suddenly, we were not. And the house was full of school papers to sort and the music room felt little bit empty without the cello we rented for the school year.

Those are real smiles, earned from a year of adjustment and work. They did a marvelous job. I don’t have a picture of Paige or Daniel because they promptly took off with friends once they got their freedom.

The social outcomes we had envisioned for our children when we sent them to public school were achieved this year. There were surprises and a few disappointments, but overall, I am so pleased at the growth I have seen and their broadening circle of friends.

Paquita

Paige is performing as a demi-solist in Paquita this week. Ballet is beautiful and rigorous. Paige’s feet are raw and her pointe shoes are bloody. I tell you this because she makes it look easy. She is strong and beautiful and we are so proud of her artistry and the sacrifices she has made to become a dancer.

I had no words for her last night as we drove home late from her dress rehearsal. I ached for her; I was proud of her; I didn’t say enough, I am sure. All I could do was buy her a milkshake and sit with her while she ate it. I have never experienced anything like she did at that grueling rehearsal last night.

Ballet is one of the lonely battles she faces. She’s an example of how to face difficulties and challenges with a smile and with grace. Only two more nights, Paige! You can do it!

You are an artist.

You are strong.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

A Program, a Concert, and some Fashion

Timothy participated in his 4th grade program this week. It was a celebration of Utah, full of songs for voice and recorders, a fantastic choral reading, and he presented a flawless speech. It represented a year’s worth of Utah Studies and music. I loved it.

Mrs Johnson was a wonderful teacher for Timothy. This was her 35th year of teaching. She’s retiring this week and the school won’t be the same without her.

I have inherited my Great Aunt Susan’s wardrobe. It’s classy and smart with whimsical touches. I love fashion, but I don’t buy clothes very often for myself. It’s a real treat to wear her clothing. I wore this to Timothy’s program with a brown and white beaded necklace. I wore heels with the wide-legged pants and pulled my hair into a loose bun. Overdressed for a school program? Yes, but who cares.

We don’t have photographs of Daniel’s orchestra concert this week, but we were so proud of him for playing the solo for Beauty and the Beast on his cello. He did a great job and was a good sport about playing the girls’ choice of music for the finale: Firework by Katy Perry! I wore this outfit. I love the red corduroy peplum jacket with big buttons. The pants are a nice heavy knit, comfortable, but dressy.

And for church today, I wore this outfit. The beads belonged to my Great Grandmother Spencer. The jacket and dress were Susan’s.

This week there are two ballet performances to attend and two fancy outfits to plan. Although it feels a bit silly and indulgent to post photos of outfits, I am sure it won’t be a permanent habit. Oh, but I do love clothes.