Job satisfaction

I have been watching episodes of The Wonder Years in the background of my days while the kids are away. Season 3 is my favorite. Nearly episode makes me cry tears of memory, regret, and nostalgia. I love how they depict the mother in that show. Norma is the stay-at-home mom of the 1960’s. She keeps a spotless home and she is almost always in the kitchen. I snicker when I see the scenes where the family sits at the table, watching her cook, waiting for their meal to appear. While a woman working in the kitchen alone seems antiquated, I find that her presence in the kitchen and home is one of the things that draws me to the show. She magnifies the feeling of “home.” It is good that her family can count on her.

But Norma 1. isn’t real and 2. represents a different time. However, comparing my life to a stay-at-home mother (Norma) of the 1960’s can be instructive. On the positive side, I have more appliances to do the work that Norma did. I have an education and opportunities that Norma didn’t have. While I keep house and cook a lot, it’s with diminished expectations (my family doesn’t just sit and watch me do everything). On the negative side, the network of stay-at-home moms that Norma enjoyed is gone. In almost every neighborhood that we have lived, my stay-at-home life has been LONELY because so many women are at work during the day. Now that I have sent the kids to school, the house feels extremely lonely.

Is it the best use of my life to be by myself most of the day? Many women decide to get more education or go to work when their kids are all in school. Why don’t I want to do these things?

Should I be doing more? These thoughts don’t come from any feeling of boredom; I honestly have plenty to do. These thoughts don’t come from any feelings of inferiority. I know that I am capable and of value. However, something influences my thoughts and implies that what I do may not be enough.

No job has a 100% satisfaction rate and everyone is under-appreciated in some way, but it would be nice if there were fewer voices telling me that what I am doing is not enough.

The voices distill from hundreds of sources and have surrounded me my whole life. Even The Cosby Show’s mother needed to be an attorney to be relevant. Homemakers are parodied and trivialized almost everywhere. Feminist messages affect me, not in a way that entices me to agree with them, but they perplex me because I don’t feel the same angst. Am I missing something because I don’t share their frustration?

“What do you DO all day?” (said in an accusatory voice) and “Women should be allowed to realize their full potential in the workplace!” are some echoing remarks that I feel obligated to think about, but they don’t influence me to change my personal choices. I have exhausting exchanges in my mind where I try to defend my lifestyle to a critic. I lose every time. But that doesn’t mean that I am wrong. I’ve always been a poor debater. And what is right for my life isn’t right for everyone. Amen.

I acknowledge that I am in a privileged position to have the option to stay home instead of go to work. It’s important to me that it’s understood that we make financial sacrifices so I can stay home, too.

Perhaps it could be said that I sacrificed a bit of personal ambition to be a homemaker. I didn’t pursue a career that I loved. I have walked away from obligations that required too much time away from family, but these either never did or no longer feel like sacrifices. My small sacrifice is that I endure some degree of physical, emotional, and intellectual loneliness to be a full-time homemaker.

I enjoy a lot of freedom, so it seems a little silly to say that I sacrifice much of anything to take care of my home and family full-time. I’m going to continue as a modern version of Norma for a while longer. I think I’m needed here at home more than anywhere else. It’s one of those lovely paradoxes of life that after “sacrificing” for my family, I have an abundance of options before me in the walls of the home I have helped create.

Disclaimer: Please don’t get in a fluff over this post if you disagree with my thoughts. I’m not writing about anyone but myself and Norma here.

Stymied

Can’t… come… up… with… content. Sorry, family and friends. I have nothing palatable to write this week. I’ve been trying to write a thoughtful post for days, but I feel stymied.

Is it because I have been reading Tolstoy and feel my lack more deeply than usual?

Is it because I am trying to wrap my head around the new year?

Is it because I am so busy trying to get physical things in order at the house that I can’t write?

Is it because what I feel like writing about is too personal?

Is it because my internet has been wonky this week? (If wonky isn’t a word, it should be. It describes our internet service perfectly.)

It’s all of those things and probably more.

Here are some photos of what I have been doing this week. Hey, my life is boring, but it’s mine and I love it.

IMG_20140116_145814 — One day I went through all of the boys’ clothing and placed size labels on each hand-me-down. Apparently I do NOT need any more size 8 pants for boys. I feel defeated by clothing. Daniel’s current rate of growth means he wears something for only a few weeks and then it’s too short. Keeping him in adequate Sunday pants is too much for me, apparently.

IMG_20140116_145925 — Our current filing system just wasn’t working for us, (stashed beneath our bed on a box top which we would slide out when necessary) so this week I fixed that.

IMG_20140116_150041 — This may seem trivial, but I have gained a testimony of labeled photos, having worked on two significant family history projects this year. I labeled our photos this week and felt old doing it. Where have my babies gone?

IMG_20140116_150136 — I updated the photos on the refrigerator and put smiles on my children’s faces by doing it. I now have all of the new family members represented on the refrigerator and some highlights from 2013 to cheer us. I love my photo-laden refrigerator. It keeps me company.

IMG_20140116_150111 — I decorated the mantel and shelves in my kitchen. Oh, the clean, fresh start that January gives to us! I love how uncluttered things feel at this moment. Of course I loved every Christmas card and decoration that we had on these spaces a month ago, but the change is good.

IMG_20140116_150216 — Have I ever posted a picture of my food storage room? It’s one of my favorite corners of the house. Having food is comforting and it takes work. I shop often so I can keep these shelves full. This week I bought oodles of cereal, sugar, and crackers. I have one can of Spam, but I can’t bring myself to serve it. I bought it in 2008.

IMG_20140116_150444 — I went to IKEA with my sisters and mom the other day and bought some textiles. This is Mark’s new rug. I like it so much.

IMG_20140116_150508 — I have been working on the 2013 scrapbook. I’m terribly proud of it.

IMG_20140116_150522 — I had forgotten that we went to San Francisco. How does someone forget San Francisco? It’s good to revisit those memories. That was a good day.

Well, I feel better for the sharing. Not sure if you’ll benefit from any of this, but it was good therapy for me.

Wrapping Up

IMG_1144-001 Hello, it’s been a while. We’ve been busy wrapping up projects and goals, reading fat books, and being a complete family again.

During the final weeks of the year Richard and I spend a lot of time wrapping up the lessons and events of the year into a video to send to the grandparents. The kids perform their piano pieces and we make a music video where we lip sync a funny song. My favorite part of the video is the slideshow. We choose music to accompany the images from the year. I watch these videos again and again. I love the memories. My Stewart grandparents say that it is part of their Christmas Eve tradition to watch our video each year. It’s a way that we try to reach out to family far away, but I know that I watch these videos more than anyone.

We threw 3 parties. One was a pizza and game party for Daniel and his friends. Next was Timothy’s birthday.

Timothy turned 11 just before Christmas and we threw him the traditional gingerbread house making party and ate red velvet cake. He finished all of the activity pins for Webelos (Scouts) just before his birthday. He earned every one.

The big family party to celebrate my parents’ anniversary was next. Daniel received an autographed cast picture of Studio C from his uncle that evening. Timothy is being a clown. Aside from the slideshow that we presented of my parents’ marriage, I was most proud of the decorations upstairs and lights we hung across the ceiling in the basement to make our stage magical.

With the kids home I have felt so happy because we haven’t had to go anywhere. Someone asked what we did for Christmas. After I said that we had thrown a big family party, they wondered what ELSE we had done. I couldn’t come up with anything big that we had done, but my mind wandered to what was accomplished without leaving the neighborhood.

I played my violin in church. That’s always an epoch in my life.

We made 20 pints of salsa and delivered them to the neighbors since the thought of baking was making me grumpy.

The kids played in a Christmas piano recital.

We were invited to celebrate Joseph Smith’s birthday on December 23rd with two other families up the street for Family Home Evening. This was super fun. We ate stew and cornbread, sang, had a lesson about the Prophet Joseph, and listened to the kids play the piano.

We took the kids to see Frozen in the theater on Christmas Eve afternoon.

We watched Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concerts on video and opened simple gifts. On Christmas morning, the kids were surprised by Legos and technology. My favorite gifts were the exercise balls that the little boys received. They bounce around on them all of the time. It makes me happy to see kids playing like that. We never have great pictures of Christmas celebrations, but you can probably picture us on our sofa in the basement, Christmas lights everywhere and the fire place warming the room. Small gifts inspire hugs and smiles and in the simplicity is the magic.

We rested and watched Christmas movies such as It’s A Wonderful Life and Mr Kruger’s Christmas. Oh, we needed this. The boys went skiing, but I didn’t do much away from home. Shopping was minimal. Daniel and Richard rebuilt the kids’ computer.

Richard and I went out to dinner one evening. We’re still on the search for a good local Mexican restaurant. We have very discriminating tastes, having lived in Texas, Arizona, and Provo, Utah where good Mexican food (or Tex-Mex) is everywhere.

December 31st was the day Paige got her driver license and I tried to finish reading both The Book of Mormon and War and Peace. I only finished The Book of Mormon in time to ring in the new year. Timothy and Mark stayed up until midnight for the first time in their lives, but Timothy was the only one to truly celebrate. He jumped up and went to everyone’s rooms to wish them Happy New Year!

I dressed in layers and loved the bright sunshine reflected from the snow through my windows. I have twirled in place this week because this life makes me so happy.

As January arrived, I was slow to put away the Christmas decorations, but once they were away, I enjoyed the empty shelves and clean slate that appeared in our home.

Things are getting a little busier each day.

Richard’s parents visited and we went to Gladys’s place to wish her a happy birthday.

We went to the airport to welcome Richard’s niece home from her mission. Richard was very clear that he wanted each of us to hold a letter of her name to greet her at the airport. This attention to a decorative detail was a new side of him that I haven’t seen before. He truly wanted to make his niece’s homecoming a special time.

This morning I finished reading War and Peace. When I introduce myself for the next while, I will say, “My name is Angela and I have read War and Peace.” 😉

Part of the end of the year wrap up is the writing of thank you notes and Christmas cards. This brings to mind so many people who have influenced our lives for good throughout the year. On that note, I will end this post. Thank you, Readers, for sharing your time to read about us.

Happy New Year. There will be many more posts to come. Life is precious and worth writing about.

A Six Word Post

Celebrating!

Good kids

Legal

Illness

Home!

Winter sunrise

It’s so dark when the older kids leave for school. This week it was my turn to drive to early morning jazz band. To validate my super human efforts for the musical education of our youth, I took a photo at a red light after I dropped them off. I can’t love winter mornings, but that promise of light making the sky turn blue in the east is a grand thing.

One benefit to not washing your car is the Milky Way effect from the flecks of dry salt on the windshield which reflect light. Stunning!

When it’s cold like this (I mean January-type cold) I just keep spinning it to be a good thing and voila! It is!

My buddy

Here is Mark in his new suit and fresh haircut. I couldn’t resist taking a picture of him. At church this week I let him skip Primary and come to class with me. In the hallway someone reminded me that it’s good for kids to face their troubles, which is a good insight… but not for us today. I have learned that sometimes a child just needs a little break and he can face his troubles better next time. Also, I can’t discount the effect that Richard’s absence is having on the little hearts in our family, and I think that extra love is needed.

Preparation

The little boys spent the weekend dressing up in layers of superhero awesomeness and throwing glow sticks in the dark.

Paige worked on a painting and performed her concerto for some judges (amazing!). She and Richard stayed up late working on math, much to Richard’s delight.

Daniel showed off his web design skills for his dad and helped clean out the gutters.

Richard worked on the leaves (a never-ending project) until he stepped on a rusty nail in the garden. Boo!

My dad took us out to dinner for my birthday. I chose Los Hermanos in downtown Provo as the restaurant, of course.

I played the violin in church with Paige as my accompanist. People loved seeing Paige up there with me. A good friend reminded me that we have a year and a half left to play together and that we need to cherish it.

I spent last night preparing mentally for the week ahead. I took Richard to the airport and then drove home without the radio and let the silence seep into my soul. I read to the boys from The Two Towers until Mark fell asleep nestled up beside me. After the bedtime routines, I made lists and menus, looked up maps and recipes, and searched for library books that are due. I made play dough for the second graders. I went to sleep listening to the Mormon Tablernacle Choir and then Alfie Boe.

It was a good weekend. I think I’m ready to face the week.

Halloween Costumes

Introducing…

Thorin Oakenshield

from The Hobbit

and…

Boba Fett

from Star Wars

Daniel dressed up with his friends and roamed the neighborhood.

Daniel Halloween — image by Lenice Paulsen

I went trick-or-treating with the little boys. I have learned that this is the best way to overcome my aversion to Halloween. I don’t have to deal with kids in horror costumes knocking at the door and I get to see my kids having a great time with our neighbors. Our kids are the best company.

Mark’s First Piano Recital

The kids are posing with their piano teacher at the Fall Recital, which also happened to be Mark’s first piano recital. The younger children in the studio played Halloween pieces and dressed up in their costumes. Mark is Boba Fett from Star Wars. He played a spooky song called If You Dare! and he did a great job.

Daniel played Rondo Sonatina Op. 20 #1 by Frederic Kuhlau and The Entertainer by Scott Joplin. Daniel is very expressive and I don’t think I will ever get tired of hearing him play Joplin.

Timothy played A Neat Beat by Mier and he rocked the house. He is a wonderful pianist. Just… wow!

This is a picture of Paige and her teacher rehearsing the Shostakovich Concerto No. 2 Op. 102 for two pianos before the recital. Paige has two performances in the next few weeks for this piece. It’s beautiful.

Paige played Sonatina Op. 88 #3 Mvt. 1 by Frederik Kuhlau for the recital. She did a lovely job and she always has the grace to smile and give a confident bow after her performances. That’s hard to do.

Watching our four children perform at this recital was really something special.

Notation

I keep a personal journal full of tiny writing and a planner of TO DO lists. The blog only shows a few thoughts each week from our lives.

At the beginning of January I began a project to keep my daily TO DO lists in a planner. I know that I am not original in doing this. However, I didn’t appreciate the patterns that I would see emerge from my lists or the story that they would tell.

Here are a few randomly picked dates from the past 9 months and what I listed along with a little commentary.

Saturday, January 5
Piano lessons 10:45-12:45
Piano lesson 2:00 (Timothy)
3:00 Paige and Dan
Pay piano teacher

Apparently the only thing I did on this day was drive kids to and from piano lessons over a span of 5 hours. Even if this was actually all I did, I think that it would be enough.

Saturday, March 23
SPARKS This was the day we drove from Elko to Sparks to visit my Stewart Grandparents.

Thursday, July 4
Paint trim (2 coats) in Daniel’s room
Integrity goal #5: Stand as a witness day 4
Family barbecue 1pm (Spring Lake)

Summertime brought a lot of painting and Young Women Personal Progress goals. The Stand as a Witness goal that I mentioned was to write about my experiences as a Mormon on the blog.

Tuesday, August 13
library
lego shopping with little boys
work on Knowledge #9
type out YW calendar
vacuum upstairs
garden assignment: 3 needed

Summer was winding down; I was trying to make the most of the last days with my little boys by shopping for their favorite toys with them. Knowledge #9 was a Young Women Personal Progress goal where I collected and compiled my favorite quotes from General Conference talks by topic. The garden assignment was for the Church garden which supplies the nearby Bishops’ Storehouse. The big boys and Richard took the assignment.

Thursday, September 5
Drive Richard 5:45 am
Drive Daniel 6:50 am
30 minutes Virtue project
Pick up Richard at work–sick day
YW presidency meeting
10% of Richard’s group laid off today (notation on the side of the to do list)
Costco trip
Bring doctor’s note to school for Mark’s absences
Piano lessons 5:30-7:30
continue paint work in craft room

This was a very stressful day on many levels. There were extra errands because of illness and there was worry about Richard’s job. The Virtue project is my current Personal Progress goal to read the Book of Mormon. Thank goodness most days are not this busy.

I love my life, but I don’t always see the beauty in the little pieces. Keeping my little planner has been a good exercise to help me see that I’m going somewhere in all of my circles of errands and small efforts.