Adolescence = Suddenly fearing recognition as an individual while trying to become one.

Recently someone wrote to me and explained that during adolescence the mind starts playing tricks on us and we lose self confidence.

I believe that this loss of self-confidence is the beginning of a more universal malady that lasts long past adolescence. I like to call it the feminine dark side. Not every woman crosses over to the dark side but most do on occasion.

This feminine dark side is the thought process that tells us we don’t measure up.

• It manifests itself (unfortunately) when we see excellence in others. Rather than congratulating that person, we use that peson’s excellence to berate ourselves for not being “more like her.” Then, depending on the amount of self control we have, we can sink deeper into the dark side and say, “I can’t stand her. She’s too perfect,” or, “I can never be as good. I give up.”
• The feminine dark side manifests itself when someone pays us a compliment, and whether we vocalize it or not, thoughts creep into our mind, second-guessing the compliment and we indulge in devaluing ourselves.
• The bottom line: The feminine dark side manifests itself when we are self-absorbed. In other words, we lose self confidence as we focus too much on ourselves.

Self absorbed women love to gossip. Self-absorption is the impetus for feelings of isolation in a crowd. It’s the reason we don’t say “hi” to a stranger in church or take the time to understand someone before we make judgments. It’s the reason we take offense at things someone said. It’s the reason we don’t invite someone into our circle, fooling ourselves with some excuse like, “Her hair is so cute and she is so popular. She would never want to be friends with me.” And the whole thing makes me weary.

Self-absorbed feelings of inadequacy are a counterfeit to the inspired humility required of a disciple of Christ. As a counterfeit, self-devaluation may look and feel like humility for a time. But the counterfeit doesn’t come from a true source and can’t lead us to become better. Humility is a gift of the Spirit which can lead us to improve.

Recently someone asked in fun, “Could Angela just please come out of the house with her hair a mess and her children grumpy?” In short, “Could she put on her worst face for us at least one time so we can feel better about ourselves?”(And, since comment was really said just in fun, I’ll reply in fun, “Honey, if you saw all my flaws, it wouldn’t make you feel better, it would make you cry and then make me dinner out of sheer pity.”)

This line of thinking is flawed in at least two ways. First, anyone who has taken the time to know me has seen my faults. Second, I find it poor logic to equate feeling better about one’s self by rejoicing in the faults of others.

So, no. I’ll keep presenting my best side, because that’s the side I’m nurturing. I’m trying to starve the dark side that worries about what others think of me, because most judgments, good and bad, are inaccurate anyway.

And I’ll keep empowering my daughter to do the same. And that means forgetting ourselves and serving and loving and trying to forget flawed comments such as, “She’s too perfect.”