Letters from Home

Have you heard about this book by Susan Cain? I debated about reading it because I don’t really go for psychobabble or New York Times best sellers.

Finally, I succumbed and read it. It took me a while to get through it because she gave me a lot to think about. She was writing about ME. Memories from my childhood, of my decisions, my strengths and weaknesses, and our decision about home school demanded some think time after each reading session. Through my reading, I found some validation in my choices to avoid crowds and to facilitate a quiet learning environment for my children. I repeat: this book was ALL ABOUT ME.

The words about sensitivity and brain function were interesting. Introverts appear to have more complex thinking processes. It can take a little longer for an introvert to speak, but it’s worth the wait. Too few people understand this. They mistake hesitation for timidity or worse.

Introverts are often more sensitive to sounds, lights, tastes, and the feelings of others. No wonder these sensitive people feel overloaded after a day of school, 3 hours of church, shopping, or a party.

Personality has not always been a part of our vocabulary. Schools that once emphasized character now focus on personality and social development. But what about the 30-50% of the students who do not work well in group environments? What about those students who prefer reflection over conversation? What effect does this hyper-focus on speaking as a measure of intelligence have on quiet people?

What about the 30-50% of people who are introverts who must work in offices with open floor plans to facilitate group thinking, and for whom this social environment is exhausting? Although studies indicate that decisions made by groups (or most likely, the most vocal in the groups) are poorer than those decisions made by thoughtful people in a quiet environment, it seems that our culture still values the talkers over the non-talkers.

Where do you find the introverts at a family cabin? In the nooks and crannies. They are often misunderstood as aloof, unfeeling, and antisocial. Introverts are social and need social interaction, but on a deeper level. Small talk is exhausting; a deep, private conversation about ideas fuels an introvert.

Introverts can be especially powerful. Ghandi and Mother Theresa were introverts. Their leadership wasn’t about charisma. It was about conviction. An introvert can do amazing things, especially if they feel strongly about these things.

The book’s flaws are some sweeping generalizations (although the author tries very hard to tell us she’s trying to avoid them) and a frustratingly shallow description of the strengths of extroverts. The book’s strengths are the windows into brain function research and the historical and cultural perspective on how extroversion became the Western Ideal.

Here’s my soap box message:

A quiet child is not necessarily scared or confused and those labels, such as “timid” and “shy” do more damage than you can imagine, especially if that introverted child is also sensitive. And just because a quiet child doesn’t talk much doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot going on inside. We can help them express themselves without making them feel like they are less capable.