Letters from Home

I won’t share the experiences that prompted these lessons learned, but they are mine and maybe one will be helpful to you today.

Don’t forget to season your opinions with love for others.

You can love your opinions too much. These monuments to your “wisdom” and experience can be like idols, blinding you to the greater truths and realities that are all around you. Many truths can only be found through empathy and understanding for others and a willingness to obey God’s will.

When we speak out from a place of emotional pain or anger, it is easy to lose empathy and compassion, because these feelings draw us into ourselves. Anger and pain are part of life, but God is the best one to sort out these feelings with.

What will it matter that I made my point, if I lose a portion of my capacity to love in the process?

I posted this, took it down, posted it, took it down, and now it’s back, seasoned with more love. I decided this view is needed in a culture that encourages women to speak publicly of their faults and failings and parade negative details of their personal relationships. I received more feedback on this post than any I have written this year. This tells me that this is something we need to think about.

I was in a room full of women and someone asked me a very pointed question, that if I were to answer truthfully, it would set me and someone I love in a negative light. I answered truthfully, and I instantly regretted it. I think she was trying to humanize me, or make me more relatable. I felt crucified; my relationship with the person she asked about, tarnished. It made me sad that she thought it would help the group to hear me admit something negative about a personal relationship.

This kind of thing happens often among women. I’m not frustrated with a particular person, but a trend.

Some women have a habit that I rarely see in men, and that is the desire to compete for “last place.” Comments among women will often include someone admitting how bad they are at something. I try not to talk like this. However, it can feel really lonely to say I am doing well with something, or I have come to know something after a lot of effort. I admire women who speak from years of experience with confidence and positivity.

Some people want to “keep it real.” Some abase themselves so others can relate to them, or because they want to avoid bragging. Some women are just modest and don’t say anything. It is not wrong to be quiet, but I hope they feel empowered to speak when they need to.

I read reviews recently of a best selling book, a memoir of a woman exposing terrible, personal details of her marriage. Her aim is good, to help women be strong, but it feels sad to me that she felt the need to relate the most personal, horrible things to empower others.

No one FEELS perfect so it’s difficult to change the expectation of admitting failings publicly. If we focus on our negatives in order to feel accepted, are we really serving others? Or will the attention just be temporary, the definition of ourselves set as a victim or failure, as people hurry on to the next negative story? I wonder.

I will admit that my biggest trials and failures are where some of my most treasured understanding has come. Like pearls, my pain won’t be shown to just anyone, but the lessons I have learned, such as strength, empathy, and perspective can be shown in hundreds of ways without betraying myself.

I believe that it’s not necessary to broadcast our weaknesses or greatest pains, parading them like badges of humanity. Our weaknesses are still there, visible to many, whether we broadcast them or not. Our lives will have times when we need to acknowledge that we are grieving, or that we are experiencing difficulties. However, most of the time we can frame our lives in positives rather than negatives. I also believe we can change the outcome for our lives as we emphasize triumphs and hopes instead of our defeats and fears.