Motherhood – Page 11 – Letters from Home

The story of Gideon is my favorite in the book of Judges. When I taught seminary, I remember shocking my early morning students by smashing a clay pot in my living room where we met, just like Gideon’s army smashed their pitchers. With trumpets, shattering pottery, lights, and voices, Gideon’s 300-man army surprised the host of sleeping enemies, “The sword of the Lord and of Gideon!” and their enemy was destroyed. This might have been the only day my students left seminary more awake than when they arrived, except maybe the day we cast “stones” at a life-sized mural of Goliath.

This week as I studied Gideon’s story, I focused on two contrasting verses during the exchange between the angel of the Lord and Gideon about his call to deliver Israel, verses 12 and 15.

The Lord sees Gideon as a mighty man of valor, while Gideon sees himself as poor and unimportant. Pretty much my only takeaway this week from Bible study is enough: God knows who we truly are, who we were before we came to earth, and who we can become. He sends messengers to remind us that He is with us.

I have had a few messengers in my life who have helped me live with courage. One was a friend named Jody who told me that I had the capacity to homeschool my kids. Bishops and stake presidencies have also been messengers of the Lord’s confidence in me, and reminded me that the Lord would be with me. Perhaps the most common messengers are the people who trust me to listen to them and help them. When a friend opens her heart to me, I see this is as a call to valor. Today, we help rescue Israel one by one

Ramble

Richard and I spent time in Salt Lake City to celebrate our anniversary. The hills north of downtown were verdant and vibrant. These hills are usually straw yellow, but the grasses were young and bright.

The high school flags line the front of the school, the last concerts are over, and a new class graduates this week. Time is so compressed for me lately, it doesn’t feel like a year since Tim graduated. But then again, our lives are so different now, that time must have carried us to this new place. We certainly haven’t arrived at this end of another school year by any conscious, overriding plan of our own. We just kept working and kept moving, and here we are.

Here is an important quote I keep using as I see complexities in how to balance love of God and love of neighbor (thanks to my mom for this one),

“Ignoring the first commandment, or reversing the order of the first and second commandments, risks a loss of balance in life and destructive deviations from the path of happiness and truth. Love of God and submission to Him provide checks against our tendency to corrupt virtues by pushing them to the extreme. Compassion for our neighbor’s distress, for example, even when the suffering is brought about by his or her own transgression, is noble and good. But an unbridled compassion could lead us, … to question God’s justice and misunderstand His mercy.

“There are those, for example, who believe that loving others means we must twist or ignore God’s laws in a way or ways that advocate or condone sin.” (Christofferson, The First Commandment First, 2022 BYU Devotional)

I work in the yard each day, trying to reclaim sections of neglected areas. It’s so satisfying. Dirt outside and thread and fabric inside are my materials for work lately. In June, I will move to paint as my medium, as we cover more surfaces in my grand plan (many years old) to repaint every inch of the house.

Someone asked me what we are doing this summer. A wedding. Two family reunions. Drivers Ed. A trip to Yellowstone. High Adventure. Pioneer Trek. These are big events, and this is my last morning with Mark at school for a little while. I just keep moving and keep working, and here we are.

16th Birthday

We celebrated Mark’s 16th in every way we thought would make him happy. I hope he went to sleep with a smile. I am having trouble expressing what I want to say about Mark, so this won’t be a tribute post or a narrative about the day, but simply an imprint. He is so dear.

Some highlights from Mark’s 16th year: school musical, piano study, organist at church, Sparky’s friend, straight A student, cookie architect, skier, a light.

Mother’s Day Table

Richard took these photos of our Mother’s Day table. 💕

I used flowers from our yard and photographs of our mothers and grandmothers to decorate the table. Richard did most of the cooking, and it was a delicious meal.

Smoked chicken

Mashed potatoes

Green salad

Homemade fan rolls

Eclairs

Apple pie with whipped cream

We had nine at the table tonight, including my parents, and we were joined by Tim in a video call after dinner. 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 Ten happy faces.

We had a Mother’s Day show and tell, where we could tell a memory or show an object to represent our moms. I loved hearing what people shared, even though I realized late in the game that some anecdotes were going to be about me. It’s funny, but I don’t really think of Mother’s Day as being about “me.” It felt good to have my mom here to celebrate her.

On repeat

I answer the same questions again and again about our missionary, and find comfort in people asking. Yes, Tim is doing well, and he remains in Canada for an indefinite time. He doesn’t write each week, but we video chat every preparation day.

Speaker

We were able to see Tim speak in stake conference via YouTube. He and the other elders in his apartment made a video and showed it as part of his presentation. It made me smile even bigger than his mission leaders, seated behind him, to see him at work as a missionary.

April 14 letter

Dear friend,

I write as I listen to the machinery getting started in my neighborhood. Today, it is an excavator removing a lawn. I have placed my chair so I don’t have to watch, but I can’t escape the sounds. Construction sounds and large trucks and vehicles parked all over the street make for a congested scene.

This week marks the second anniversary of my surgery and long adjustment to a new diet. At least I can still eat candy. And with great sincerity, I want to say I am grateful for my life!

My grandmother taught me to use a timer for tasks. Recently, I set a 10-minute timer in each room I wanted to clean. In an hour, I had done more than I expected because I didn’t have time to get distracted. Also, each day I set a 3-hour timer in the late mornings where I am not supposed to touch my phone. I am in need of all such remedial helps.

When I get Instagram friend requests from teen girls in my neighborhood, I bite my clenched fist and wonder if I should accept. I don’t want to contribute to their social angst. I can’t be counted upon to respond to all their content, and I feel a responsibility to provide some of my own steadying content for their feeds. I am currently so disgusted with social media, and what the creators have knowingly done to girls and women, and therefore families. I am sad that so many women-run businesses depend upon an ever-changing and impossible algorithm to promote their brands.

I finished Brothers Karamazov this week. (If you’re curious, to pronounce it, there is an emphasis on the second a.) I read it to gain some wisdom, but mostly felt baffled by the incongruous mixture of content: murder, monastic life, courtroom scenes, debauchery, betrayal, suicide, mentoring children…It was Dostoyevsky’s last book, and I guess he had things he wanted to say.

A few of quotes from the book,

There are souls which, in their limitation, blame the whole world. But subdue such a soul with mercy, show it love, and it will curse its past, for there are many good impulses in it. Such a heart will expand and see that God is merciful and that men are good and just.

Despair and penitence are two very different things.

Ah, man should be dissolved in prayer.

Don’t be like everyone else, even if you are the only one.

Cana of Galilee, the first miracle… Ah, that miracle! Ah, that sweet miracle! It was not men’s grief, but their joy Christ visited. He worked his first miracle to help men’s gladness.

When you are left alone, pray

And even though your light was shining, yet you see men were not saved by it, hold firm and doubt not the heavenly light. Believe that if they were not saved, they will be saved hereafter, then their sons will be saved, for your light will not die when you are dead. The righteous man departs, but his light remains.

Prayer is an education.

Must… Stop… Quoting… Dostoyevsky…

Recently, we arrived at the first gathering of young men and women at our house with Mark, our baby, as host. I remember the shock of our first girl-boy party when it arrived for Daniel. I smile to see that some younger siblings mirror their older sisters’ steps into our house.

Richard is the only person I know who has a weight lifting bench that he uses regularly.

Daniel is getting married in July, and it occurs to me that I never got around to hanging those shelves he wanted in his bedroom. It is too late now. Don’t get me wrong, this is not the only thing I think I have neglected in my teaching and caring of him. Insert end of an era kind of emotions here.

Richard and I were able to get appointments at the Draper temple on Good Friday. I love this temple more than any other, and I am so glad they are back to (I think) full capacity.

Well, this has been an indulgent and rambling letter. Take what you need, and try to forget the rest. Thank you for taking time to check in.

Love,

Marysvale Spring Break Trip

It is a formula that works, to visit Marysvale each summer. This year, we visited for a couple days during Spring Break. Many trails were still covered in snow, but we discovered a new waterfall and had adventures all the same.