Refinishing the Piano

Refinishing the Piano, 1998

A recurring theme in my journal from my years of marriage is my desire to be accepted by my mother-in-law. She has been welcoming and generous to me, but any suggestion she has made has sunk deep into my soul.

You should refinish that piano,” she said, when she saw the piano in our apartment in Provo, just months after Richard and I were married. She told me about her experiences refinishing pianos and other pieces of furniture. My mother-in-law’s laundry room was full of paints, stains, chemicals, and potions for the application and removal of anything.

The piano was a nearly 100-year-old Kimball, tall and heavy, that my dad acquired when I was a teenager. For many years, my dad loaned it to families in the neighborhood so their children could have an instrument. When I was married, the piano came to me.

It had a deep cherry stain but no piano bench. Years of sitting in homes without a bench left it with some chips in the finish below the fingerboard where chairs had been pushed against it. Richard’s mother gave us the piano bench that Richard made for her in high school and pushed it beneath the keys.

On a later visit, Richard’s mother showed me how to take apart the piano in a further effort to convince me to refinish it. My over-active self-doubt and desire to please her haunted me as we finished college in that apartment. I had no time to refinish a piano, but its chipped surface and the idea that I should fix it really bothered me. We had our baby shortly after I graduated from BYU, and now I really felt I had no time to refinish a piano with an infant to care for and Richard finishing a graduate degree and working in a lab.

We moved to Texas in 1997 and Richard began the first job of his career at National Instruments. I felt the stretch of motherhood at this time pretty fully. I had had my first exposure to the antics of a 15-18-month-old during that first year in Texas, far from family and among uninitiated friends. It’s been true for most of my children: at age 15 months, they begin whining, become more demanding, and make a lot of trouble for the next several months.

In my frustration, I turned to religious music. I took Paige on walks and blew lots of bubbles and built block towers, but she was still whiny and destructive. I decided that having only one focus (my baby) wasn’t working. I decided to refinish that piano.

The hardware store had low-fume chemicals to begin the process of taking off the finish. I decided not to worry about the mess and the fact that I had a toddler to entertain. The winter Olympics were on and I spent days with the television turned to winter sports as I worked during Paige’s naps and beyond. As I focused on scraping the old finish from the wood, she learned to entertain herself. She liked playing on the piano and seeing what it looked like inside. The sliding door of our apartment was always open that winter during the project to vent out the fumes. I grew to love a warm Texas winter.

Next time you see a piano, take some time to study it. There are so many pieces. Some you can remove. Others you can’t. Count the crevices and indentations. This project took me a long time. For months, we had a partially dismantled, partially bare wood piano. I can still hear the sickening slap of the brush applying the noxious chemical stripper to the wood. I can remember the bubbling of the stain as the chemicals seeped in. I wore long rubber gloves as I scraped the red finish off with a putty knife and collected the bacon-like strips of the old stuff in my hands. Bag after bag of soggy, orange-red paint and stain exited our apartment during those months. When Richard left for a week-long Scout camp in Tennessee that summer, I spent the nights pushing myself to finish the project. When he walked in the door a week later, the piano was finished; no longer cherry red, and showing a beautiful wood grain.

The refinished piano moved with us three times, to a house in Texas, a house in Arizona, and another house in Arizona. After we bought a grand piano in 2007, we sent the old Kimball to my sister Susan. I tried to plant a seed as I said to her, “Make some kind of improvement on it before you pass it on. Perhaps you could start by replacing the covers on those chipped keys.” I am not sure if my words haunt her, but I know she will be glad if she makes a couple of improvements to it.

In the end, I didn’t refinish the piano to please my mother-in-law. In fact, I don’t remember what she said when she saw that I had done it! I refinished the piano for myself. I have my mother-in-law to thank for the idea and some guidance. I learned a skill and a life lesson: be creative. Always be building or making something. Don’t give yourself to your family so much that you forget to create. Perhaps she wanted to teach me the satisfaction of such a project. I am a better mother and wife when I have something to work on outside of childcare and house work.

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Fish quilt

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I am quilting again. I made the pink fish for this quilt that we made for a new baby in our ward. It was my first paper piecing project and I enjoyed it more than I can say, especially when I saw that my square could be used in the quilt. I once made a quilt block for a group project in school and it was rejected for use in the final quilt. The teacher used my square to teach the class “how not to make a quilt square.” I wish I still had it. I would probably frame it, a symbol of how far I have come since then.

“Some people aren’t meant to be quilters,” I remember my teacher saying to the whole class as she held it up. Ha!

I’m with you, so you can do this.

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Photo by Sarah, Spring Lake

*I accidentally pushed “publish” before this essay was ready. Perhaps you read one of my early drafts that I published by mistake. I have made a lot of changes over the past day.

As the seasons change, I realize that we have just a little over 1/3 of the year left. How am I doing on my 2015 goals? I am trying to make an honest assessment of myself while still being gentle.

There were some lofty goals I set for myself in January, to try to be an author, a doll maker, increase my New Testament scholarship, be physically fit, and practice the violin almost every day. In January and through the spring, I had the time to do these things.

As I look back over the summer, I can observe my big goals fizzled out, one by one, along the way. I was asked to do different, more complex things at church. I broke my toe. My computer died. I couldn’t walk, write, or find time to practice. I clung tightly to my scripture goals and made a few dolls this summer, but gave up many other goals. This is my surface assessment of what has happened. If I look more deeply, I can see that I exceeded my writing goal for the year before summer hit. I can see that since having more responsibility from church, my hours feel like they have been expanded. I have been able to accomplish more, even if they are different things than I planned in January.

I’m learning that the version of myself that I wanted to be in January 2015 was good, but maybe the Lord has something different in mind for me. My goals were good because they prepared me for something I couldn’t expect. Through all that writing about motherhood, I was prepared to nurture young mothers, remembering how challenging their days are. I grew closer to my family as I took time to write about them. My testimony of motherhood and family grew. Through my scripture study goals, I have learned many things I want to share with others.

Questions I ask myself as I partake of the sacrament lately revolve around the theme, “How can I do all that I need to do?” The answers have come. Sometimes the answer is to do less. Sometimes the answer is to do more by making better use of little minutes between things. Always the answer is to eat and sleep, and to not neglect my family. One answer came in the scriptures in Deuteronomy 30:

11 ¶For this commandment which I command thee this day, it is not hidden from thee, neither is it far off. (The footnote says: not hidden from thee=not too hard for you)

12 It is not in heaven, that thou shouldest say, Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it, and do it?

13 Neither is it beyond the sea, that thou shouldest say, Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it, and do it?

14 But the word is very nigh unto thee, in thy mouth, and in thy heart, that thou mayest do it.

With this passage of scripture the Lord told me, “This is not too hard for you. I am with you, so you can do this. The words are in your mouth as they are needed; the word is in your heart that you may do it.”

These words apply to all of us. It’s not too hard for you. It’s not too hard for me. The Lord is near and makes a way for us to pass through.

 

 

 

Frontier living

1-DSC_35741-IMG_20150803_2101131-IMG_20150805_125216 1-DSC_3576 1-DSC_3577 1-DSC_3578We’re living frontier-style with our bed in the living room while we paint our master bedroom. It’s like Little House on the Prairie here as I awake to find the kids pouring cereal in the kitchen, just feet away from me. Our new foam mattress arrived this week in a very compact box. As we pulled away the plastic, it grew to normal size in half a minute.The mattress on the living room floor is so much nicer than our old mattress that we have made up the bed and go to sleep to the sound of the dishwasher each night.

I took pictures of the “still” times that our family enjoyed this week. Mostly, though, it was all go. The evenings after we finished our activities were precious. One night we pulled out Scrabble. Other nights we walked. For Family Home Evening, we played a version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire that Richard and I made with Book of Mormon trivia questions. One night we entertained my mom and my brother Matt’s family.

I feel like I am coming out of a Relief Society trance. It’s all I have been able to think about or do for the past five weeks. But now that I “know” the visiting teaching routes and I am getting into a schedule of visits and meetings, I can manage my time better. And wow, do I need to do that. I forgot to write Mark’s talk for Primary. I forgot that summer is ending. The boys start school next week. Paige moves out the week after that. What?

We went to the book store and Paige and Daniel didn’t spend much time in the fluffy literature section. I found them camped out in the college prep section. It’s like I saw their childhoods flutter away at that moment. I shook my head and walked back to the children’s section where I could reminisce about the days when we read picture books together. Then I bought myself a coloring book.

Today I’m remembering that it’s the 3rd anniversary of the day I drove the kids to Utah, saying goodbye to our home and friends in Arizona. I miss a few things about Arizona, but I have never regretted moving here. The house projects move at a snail’s pace between errands, but we are getting it done.

Art, Science, Wildflowers & Family

01 03 04 05 06 07 08Julie 09 10 111-DSC_342612 13 14 1517 18 19 20 21 22 23It was a social week for us, with house guests in many corners, a science camp, an art camp, full evenings, and a family reunion. I ate a burrito from Freebirds with Richard and Nancy. Mark and I were stung by wasps and Richard and Daniel came to the rescue, vacuumed them up as they flew around their nest, and sealed up the entrance to their nest beneath our house.

My knowledge and interests have expanded over the years as I have waited in my van for kids at music lessons, school, church activities, and ballet. This week I read a lot at the University of Utah while I waited for Timothy at science camp. My van is almost the only place I could read this week. At this rate, I should finish my book by Christmas. Something I did for myself was attend the New Testament Commentary Conference at BYU on Friday afternoon to hear my friend Julie speak. I stole the photo of Julie from Facebook.

A favorite moment was with Paige and Richard when we took a drive to the Albion basin to see the wildflowers. At sunset, a bull moose emerged between the trees. Its long legs made its leisurely walk as fast as our truck as we moved along the road trying to get a blurry photo. That evening I saw flowers; Richard saw the slopes he normally visits on his skis. We wove two separate themes as we talked. “Oh, look at that shade of pink…and those purple flowers! I’m dying.” To which he replied, “I can’t believe I ski over all of those boulders!” spoken with an equal sense of wonder.

Another adventure we had was weeding and planting carrots at the Church garden. The missionary in charge of the carrots kept handing us carrots for breakfast. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, we rinsed them with our dirty hands in the sprinklers and munched as we weeded. “They taste like carrots,” Richard said. We spent two hours with our whole family, working and laughing together, so I was happy.

The kids enjoyed time with 20 cousins this week, bouncing, splashing, and running. Ours is a family with cousins in perpetual motion. In the kids’ cubbies at Spring Lake, we found notes that Grandma had encouraged the Sanchez cousins to write to one another. Here are a few:

Dear Paige, I love you.

Dear Mortiky, Hi, I’m David. I love you!

To Timothy [puppy drawing] signed DAVID

A top secret note from Hogwarts School, sealed for Mark

Dear Paige, I love you. You’re my buddiey.

Dear Daniel, I painted you a picture. You’re welcome. <3 Paige

We watched the most lingering sunset ever on Saturday night. As the late summer evening darkened, the Payson temple began to glow. Watching this heavenly Changing of the Guard in silence, the light source changing from sun to temple, fed my soul.

 

What I want to remember about this week

1-DSC_3390 1-DSC_3392 1-DSC_3396 1-DSC_3398 1-DSC_3400 1-DSC_3401 1-DSC_3404 1-DSC_3405 1-DSC_3414What I want to remember about this week:

Late nights outside,

long afternoons on the patio, whittling and drawing,

stacks of library books,

weeds in the beds,

some time for friends,

painstaking, personal work,

a special visit with a woman in my congregation,

the importance of words,

the importance of family, gathered around my bed after a long day,

appreciating being able to wear 2 matching shoes again,

shopping for our first headboard, 20+ years into our marriage,

playing Tim and Sam’s homemade game on family night,

taking time to enjoy art books,

taking time to play the violin,

taking time to pray for people I have yet to meet,

enjoying Richard’s smoked chicken for dinner,

enjoying the boys’ laughter over Lord of the Rings and Star Wars parodies,

enjoying playing Meditation from Thais by Massenet,

enjoying Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin,

enjoying piano music in the house, played at all hours,

loving my friend’s poems, self-published and comforting,

listening, reassuring, enduring…

lots of fumbling.

 

Newport Beach

1-DSC_3266 1-DSC_3382 1-DSC_3368 1-DSC_3364 1-DSC_3351 1-DSC_3347 1-DSC_3340 1-DSC_3338 1-DSC_3335 1-DSC_3324 1-DSC_3314 1-DSC_33091-DSC_32961-DSC_3281 1-DSC_3276 1-DSC_3272Are you in the mood to look at beach pictures?These triennial beach trips have become important markers for the progress of our family. Mark was a newborn and produced his first smile on the first beach trip we made with Richard’s family. Over the years, Paige towered over her brothers in height, until suddenly she didn’t. This is the last family vacation before she leaves home. When we go again, Daniel might be on a mission. The early beach trips with Mark kept me in the waves, holding him tightly because he loved the rush and pull of the water. This year he spent most of his beach time in the water, not needing my hand, and not caring how far the water carried him down the beach from the group. I watched him with squinty eyes from a distance, his jaunty walk and hop over the waves matching the imprint I have of him in my mind. Courage and skill have grown in all of the children. Interest in sand castle building has remained a constant, whether their legs are short or long, and whether they own a cell phone or not. I like constants like that. Some years we can find sand crabs. Timothy’s area of interest is always the wildlife. This year the treasure was sand dollars and on the final night, a tiny octopus in the tide pools. The boys are lucky to have cousins that match their ages and interests, and these cousins gathered for card games, baseball, amusement park rides, and electronics. Richard and his brothers always make me smile when they joke around together, which is almost all the time, except when they are working on a computer issue or shopping for something online. Then things get very, very serious indeed.

Walking on sand with a broken toe is a bad, bad idea, so I didn’t do a lot of that. I sat on the deck and looked out over the palm trees, stitched hair on a doll, and thought about Relief Society. On the days that I ventured to the beach, I spent the whole afternoon there to avoid having to walk back and forth over the sand. I’m normally pretty terrible at doing nothing, but sometimes it’s good to be still.

 

Here we go

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Hello, July! We’re off on adventures, every one of us. Richard and the boys’ adventures are the outdoorsy type. Paige’s adventures are of the summer job and preparing for college type. I broke my first bone and was called to be the Relief Society President last week. I found myself saying this over and over as we faced new things, “Here we go…” (kind of like what you say before you jump off the high dive or speak before a crowd) and so far the shock and adrenaline have been great helps. So has my family. Paige and Daniel cooked while I had to rest with my foot elevated. My sister Susan came and sat with me on the day I was so nervous that I was sick to my stomach.

Independence Day is a blur to me, but according to the camera, we had tank wars with my sister’s family. Instead of focusing on the fireworks, my mind dreaded that moment when my name would be read in church the next day and that title would be added to my name and all kinds of expectations and associations over which I have no control would descend on me. It felt heavy, and made me feel a little solemn. I know that many women don’t know me at church because I have been working with the Young Women since we moved here.

Despite the initial shock and nervousness, I feel like I am coming to the calling of Relief Society President with a full lamp. I feel prepared; not fully capable, but strong in my testimony and at peace with the life I have been given, including some challenges and heartache. I know I will have lots of help from many people and God’s grace will carry me. Also, I love serving in Relief Society. I love visiting people and connecting with others on a deep level. I love teaching. So the calling, while heavy, is also a gift; Heavenly Father has said, “Here you go,” and I am glad.

 

Art and Memory

As I have worked on the story of our family I’ve read journals, handled baby clothes, played music, and sifted through gifts from my children to awaken memories. I have seen how the arts have a power over memory that my conscious efforts don’t. I listened to an album from Paige’s childhood and the music didn’t bring back many concrete memories, but a yearning and a sweet ache. Feelings aren’t always nonsense. They can teach things that concrete objects can’t. My history isn’t just a chronology, it’s also emotion and motives not easily explained.

Music reminds me that there is a reality beyond memory that is sweet and real. Many details of motherhood are lost to me because I was tired and I didn’t write everything down. Music helps me remember what my mind cannot: how it felt to draw myself out to my children. It reminds me of unfiltered vulnerability and sacrifice, which are some of the ways I have loved.

Words, harnessed and molded, also help me understand my blessings. If I capture moments in words, they become objects of gratitude. Blessings multiply before my mind as I record Mark’s funny quotes, or the times when Timothy walked around the pool talking to the plants when he was a baby. Blessings take the form of the sparkle in Paige’s eyes when she danced and showed us her magnificent spirit on stage, or when Daniel, completely disarmed after a week away from home, gave me a long hug when he returned. These little things become pillars of memory as I take time to record them. It’s not just the big events that matter. Now recorded in words, these little memories are a testament to the blessings of having children; of the blessing of being alive.

Why make the effort to write? I want to be a voice that champions family. I want my family to know they are my favorite people.

Mothering was something I always wanted to do. It’s satisfying to me. It involves pain, worry, and frustration, too. It’s the role I cling to, but must find activities apart from, in order to be successful. Music and writing are those activities, yet they also bring me back to my family. I have an identity outside my titles, roles, and errands, but my role in the family has helped me in every way. I’m so thankful to be a daughter, sister, wife, and mother.