Life according to Angela – Page 46

Hospitalized

I do not have coronavirus. I did have a bad night and a major abdominal surgery this week. Being hospitalized right now means I have not been allowed any visitors, even Richard. I wore a mask the first day, but they took it off after my surgery. The nurses I have met are covered. I was shocked to meet my surgeon by taking his outstretched, ungloved hand. I know my caregivers by their eyes and sometimes hair, and those with a gentle and healing outlook can’t be hidden by a mask. I have not lacked for anything I really needed. I had a priesthood blessing from Richard and Daniel before we rushed to the hospital. I partook of the sacrament last Sunday. I have the things I have learned about the Spirit’s voice, Christ’s atonement, and my Heavenly Father’s love in my heart. I have been given to know what to do and when, alone in my hospital room, to help myself deal with pain and make improvements in my condition. I have not been lonely, somehow, although I miss my family. Just a day or two more.

Some bright lights

I follow Geoffrey Walker’s Instagram account because of the way he delights in his wife’s sewing projects. This man is so good-natured and happy. Pauline is his sweetheart and he often says, “I love that girl!” They post snippets of a simple life, full of love and faith.

I follow this Instagram account because this father daughter duo is talented and loving.

I love Mr Morrill. He is a light, too.

Things will improve

These are amateur photos of Paige’s paintings of *The Secret Garden*, but they give you an idea what they look like.

Oh, this pandemic. I find my opinions and moods shift like the tides. I keep a copy of Paige’s paintings on the front of our kitchen cupboards to remind me that things will get better. When I am dealing with complex emotions, I ask myself where I am in The Secret Garden spectrum, and just being able to place myself in the story helps me see there is a resolution coming. Some days, I am painting number one, contrary and pessimistic. I like the painting with Collin in bed, with Mary illuminating the room with her candle. I want to be like Mary, sharing light, even though I am a little fragile, too. Richard likes the doorway opening into the garden, reminding us to keep a sense of wonder and hope. Clearing flower beds with the family was our best activity all week, and in a month or so, there WILL be pink flowers on the tree outside my living room window. Where are you in the spectrum today? Where is your robin leading you?

Home

These weeks have not been easy. The not knowing, the not-so-good news, the waiting, painful conversations with people who heard Daniel was home when he was not, the constant school emails, and the work stress were rough. Things were complicated in Chile. Daniel helped print four different release certificates for himself in the mission office as his evacuation date moved several times. I prayed for peace constantly. One night, out of words to pray, I lay in bed praying the words to “Bring Him Home,” which was one of my more effective prayers.

Neither Richard nor I slept well the night before Daniel’s flight, and Richard tracked that plane constantly throughout the day. I kept busy, but felt my chest tighten as the day progressed. We drove to the airport together, two nervous wrecks. No, we didn’t think he would come home sick or harmed, but we were embarking into an unknown. Daniel arrived, full of light and reassurance. That night, I had my best sleep in years.

It’s not that we lacked faith. It’s that faith sometimes needs to be tested. Would we complain? Would we push our needs ahead of others who were suffering in different ways? Would we keep turning to God? Would we be overly dramatic about circumstances? Would we neglect the needs of our other children as we hyper-focused on our worries about international travel for Daniel? Would we stop acknowledging the blessings that flowed because Daniel was serving a mission? Would we forget hope? Would we neglect the little things like family prayer and scripture study in this sickly, dense fog?

There is much more to live before the resolution of this story. I don’t want to forget the comfort that only came through prayer. I don’t want to forget the light in Daniel’s missionary face. I don’t want to forget that there was a continual flow of understanding and concrete instructions as I read the Book of Mormon each day, pen in hand. These have been precious, soul-expanding days leading up to his return. Now that he is home, I am giving myself permission to breathe, rejoice, rest, and just look at Daniel’s face, in line with the rest of our children, all gathered together again.

The week that was

This was taken at a different home, but my nieces and nephews came to our front walkway and sang to us.

Helping organize the evacuation of missionaries in Chile

My letter this week

Dear Daniel,

Did you ever look through a kaleidoscope? That’s what life feels like right now. We get used to looking at a beautiful pattern through the lens, but it’s only temporary; the world rotates, and little pieces of our lives shuffle to different places. For a time, there is a grating noise, and some resistance to rotating the scope. It feels chaotic and uncomfortable, but another pattern emerges from the shuffling of pieces. Beauty and order always find a way. There are beautiful patterns emerging from this time of upheaval. We don’t know how our little pieces will rearrange themselves, but they will, all under the direction of a loving Heavenly Father.
We love you and we are proud of you. I choose to celebrate who you are, and not focus on the “change of plans” so much. Coming home a little early will not change the impact you have had on people in Chile. It will not change who you are, and who you have become. Your love for the gospel is needed here, and the Lord will use you, wherever you are. I feel gratitude to the members in Chile for their loving care of you. My heart goes out to your president and his family. I pray for everyone.
I am filled with hope and peace, and it will all work out. A silver lining for me is that I will have you around again to talk to. We’ll enjoy the next pattern in the kaleidoscope soon.
Love,
Mom

Sure things

There is nothing unique about my experience during this past week of cancellations due to COVID-19. I have watched my email folder fill up with messages from schools and church and made necessary adaptations. The boys are home, except when they go out to work or walk. My life stays largely the same, including my level of fear. During most of my adult life, I have regularly expected to catch each illness, die of sepsis from an abscessed tooth, or choke to death all alone… if a car accident didn’t take me first. I have similar fears for each family member. In other words, welcome to my world, world. The real weight of this time for me rests in the reality that Daniel is thousands of miles away, on another continent.

A few sure things to which I cling:

Our Father in Heaven knows where we are and exactly what we need.

Our Savior Jesus Christ knows the depth and breadth of our feeling.

The Father’s plan is never frustrated.

Angels minister to us.

The Holy Ghost never misspeaks or offends. He brings comfort, power, and direction. What an amazing friend and companion.

The Book of Mormon is dear and true. It has helped me through every challenge, my whole life, and it continues to help me now.

No one is unique in their struggles, and my struggles are not more valid than yours. But Sure Beings and the true things carry every one of us through, whether we have eyes to see or not. This I know.

Growing

Some of you have read this blog from its beginning, eleven years ago, when I was in my smug thirties, so self-assured that I considered myself a lifestyle expert. Perhaps you noticed the move to Utah in 2012 was the death of many things, including the belief that I know anything. Over the years, the posts about parenting and education have slowed, and a trend towards more religious thought comes through. I know I am not sophisticated in my understanding. In case you wondered, I do see my limitations in logic, experience, skill, and depth on the topic, but my basic faith is almost all I feel like talking about. Teenagers will do this to you, no matter how much you love them.

To grow up is to give up idols, even the ones that we thought were safe to keep: dependence on a friend, youth, surroundings, talents, processes, or routines. To grow up is to be shaken, again and again, out of comfy shoes to march in new ways. At age 45, growing up is squared shoulders and brisk walks into unfamiliar rooms, sometimes seeing smiles fade with my approach. It’s white knuckles, holding on to a few words that are true. It’s finding meaning in the warmth of the sun hitting my hair as I pray before facing a challenge. It’s a racing pulse while saying the things God puts into the heart. It’s choosing silence in order to snuff out animosity. It’s discerning light, despite people expressing doubt and fear everywhere. It’s goodbye after goodbye. It’s disappointing people. It’s watching myself become ridiculous and also deaf. It’s ignoring the urge to blend in. It’s giving, despite an absence of response or a negative response to the gift.

To write is to give and give. What can I write about? I choose to write what I love. What do I love? The gospel of Jesus Christ. Family. Beautiful things. Hope. Faith. Revelation. Good bread. The struggle to understand truth. The battle for joy.

Thanks for your patience as I figure out how to write these things with greater skill and without the smugness of my thirties or a hint of offering platitudes. Growing up is taking a lot of energy lately. Who knows, maybe I’ll write something here tomorrow, but maybe not for while. I surely don’t know. And I am ok with that.

Some Things I Love

I finished assembling the quilt top, thanks to the gift of an extra day.

Tim broke the family speed record for skiing. I wish I didn’t know this.

After 11 years of searching, then waiting for a sale, I bought a piano lamp.

Richard and I spent about 5 hours preparing French food yesterday, and it was really disappointing how awful it tasted. Ours actually looked like this photo. pc: tablespoon.com

This week, as I ran errands and shopped, I was asked a few times if I was planning to do something fun. Yes! We celebrated Richard’s birthday with food, food, presents, food, and desserts. At Costco, someone asked if the next big birthday was the big 4-0, and since the scales have tipped toward 50 for me, this miscalculation has embedded itself in my heart and grown into many private smiles. I love celebrations with family, the preparation, anticipation, and the memories.

And, if you want to see Paige’s 8 beautiful paintings inspired by The Secret Garden, her show is coming up soon. I love seeing Paige’s illustrations.

As for the Daniel, he had the opportunity to meet Elder Uchtdorf and shake his hand last week, and he was invited to share his testimony in Stake conference. He is moving to a new apartment that has hot water. He has been busy assembling emergency kits for each companionship in the mission. With summer holidays coming to an end, they expect more protests and violence in his area, but the kits are more in preparation for earthquakes. He is teaching Rosa and others with his companion who is from Canada. I had my first bad dream about his safety, and I can’t hear The Prayer (Bring Him Home from Les Miserables) or Danny Boy without tears. Still, I love being part of a missionary family.

One thing I do for my calling at church is teach Primary children during ward conferences. I made this visual aid for last Sunday to teach about Isaiah’s “Mountain of the Lord’s House” and it was a lot of work, but the kids really loved the doors and windows. They also loved talking about how temples are like mountains, places to feel peace, quiet, and see beauty and light. I also loved the comment about mountains being places of adventure. I think learning of God’s ways is one of the great adventures of life. I love what I learn as I serve in Primary.

Oh, hello.

Every book I read about the Founding Fathers makes me loathe Thomas Jefferson more. We may skip Monticello this summer.

Date with Richard to the BYU ballroom dance company concert in Salt Lake City

Mark’s recital piece was called Walking in the Wood for short. He wasn’t nervous. He shows real finesse in his trills.

Lately, the most interesting thing that has happened is when I cleaned out my lentil collection from 2014-2019 in the pantry so I could make some soup. I lined up the small bagged portions in chronological order on my countertop before sweeping the expired packages into the trash. My February goals have required serious effort and focus, and I aimed too high this month in my plans. Maybe sometime soon I will have something more to say.

Dear February 29,

I am glad for the extra day to finish some things.

With gratitude,