Category: Life according to Angela

On the docket

Spring and winter have been at war all week. Sun and snow, wind and mild. Even our daffodils have hung their heads a bit in the fray. I went for a walk one afternoon that made my eyes water and my ears ache for the bitterness of the elements. But we must keep moving, keep our heads up (not just talking about the daffodils), and hope for the Easter weekend of our dreams. Next week, my siblings and parents will be gathering for the first time since Paige’s wedding in December 2019. We (and the world) could use some togetherness. So, let’s all hope for sunshine so we can stay outside for long talks as we watch our families hunt for Easter eggs.

On the docket for this weekend:

Get back to weekly scripture appointments with a friend.

Begin our family Easter study.

Make more edits for my dad’s book.

Read more from these books: My Antonia, Theodore Rex, and Dusk, Night, Dawn.

Make more guacamole.

Identify the function of each room of the house so I can tweak the design to reflect this season of our lives. I think I want to move the bookshelves to a completely different area of the house. This plan may also include getting rid of the elementary school science supplies, I don’t know.

Perform a scented candle intervention for this house.

Thanks, steady friends. I saw significant traffic on the post I wrote about fear, another evidence that sharing experiences is one of the important things we need to do. We are getting through these times together, despite distance.

Most of these are gifts from my children. They are tiny and sit inside an heirloom glass case at my kitchen window.

179 years old

As I drove past the church parking lot on an errand, I saw that my neighbor wrestled to manage a plastic tablecloth in the wind. The balloons, color coordinated for a Relief Society birthday party, knocked around perilously, and I wondered if they would still be there when the outdoor-socially-distanced-grab-a-cupcake-and-visit safely-party began. When I arrived twenty minutes later, there were just a few women, masked and shivering along the sidewalk, enduring the cold for connection. A sister I love noticed me and held my arm and inquired, for real, how I was doing. Later, another sister said she heard I had been through a hard time. Then she listened, just listened.

I had to leave quickly, but I am glad for the ten or fifteen minutes I shared with my friends. I know that in those minutes, two friends gave something vital to me. I was the only one there with church keys, so I was able to open the building for the women to take shelter from the wind. As I write this, I remember what Mark said when I told him the story, “Mom, you and your Relief Society hijinks.” Beyond the “rebellion” of a few women sheltering inside the church during a pandemic in order to talk for a few minutes, I would say Relief Society has always been about helping women and families come inside from the wind. Happy birthday, Relief Society.

Not acted upon by fear

In my earliest months of middle school, I struggled a lot. One day, as I sat in the cafeteria waiting for an assembly to start, a woman gently got my attention and told me she noticed that I kept holding my breath. She invited me to breathe.

That experience keeps coming back to me as I notice that I have been holding my breath lately, just as I did as an anxious seventh grader.

Satan wants us to be miserable, and his tactic is to lie.

Anxiety is an investment in lies. It is a focus on things that have not happened, and therefore not grounded in truth.

In contrast, God’s goal for us is joy through a full exercise of agency. When we “act for ourselves” rather than allow ourselves to be “acted upon” by fears or other influences, this is an important step to joy. (2 Nephi 2:18-27)

A favorite line from the movie Mulan is, “There is no courage without fear.” I don’t think I will ever be free from some degree of fear, but I am learning to manage it.

Lately, when I play the violin for people, I try not to focus on myself, but the service I am trying to give. I identify the people who are listening, and direct my efforts to their needs. An outward focus is one key to shaking anxious thoughts and feelings.

Another thing I do to have courage is to act according to my beliefs, not my fears. I want to serve, not cower inside my house in fear of a virus or any other thing. So, I take precautions and try to do things for people.

Most of what we read in the news is designed to peddle fear and division. It is worth the effort to avoid sensational coverage of events that is meant to stir up anxiety.

I read and re-read 1 and 2 Nephi. It is full of honest encounters with fear. Even the very best feel like their trials are more than they can handle sometimes. The difference between those who triumph and fail is not how they feel, it is in how they act. I try to be like Nephi.

Other simple actions that keep fear and anxiety at bay: prayer, playing calming music, staying hydrated and working on getting adequate sleep, coloring books, walking outside, connecting with a friend on the phone, and reading my stash of Reminisce magazines. It is okay to be gentle with ourselves. It is okay to identify the essentials and simply focus on those when we are in a fog. My mom likes to say, “Rest, then keep going.”

Last recital

Tonight we attended a piano recital, a long one, with enough songs stored in fingers from a year of pandemic living. I think this was Tim’s last recital. (Noooooooooo!) Mark played Beethoven and Tim played Schubert, and both boys elicited more than polite applause from somebody in the audience. “Whoo hoo!” called someone else’s mother as they took their bows, and I will love her forever for it.

Do you need some hope today? I know I do. Things are rough right now in the Ross and Sanchez families as two of our loved ones are in hospice care. Still, there are layers of experience in the sad times that I don’t want to forget. Life is never just one thing. Even within an hour there are experiences of all kinds to be found. When I have been in great physical pain, I have noticed that intense pain is not constant. I try to focus on the instants where the pain relents to see that even during painful times, there is still peace and mercy. The same is true with emotional pain.

I believe there is a universe of experiences, difficult and happy, behind every smile. So, here is a smile from my grieving face. I feel vulnerable doing this, but today I send hope in Christ to you with a smile.

So it goes

I get up early and sit on this couch and think, read, and rest. Today this view screams at me to get moving and enjoy the sunshine, to buy some produce, write that scary email, edit those stories, take down all that red stuff in exchange for pastels, replace those 7- and 8-year-old pants I keep wearing, and holy stinking heck, get ready for Richard’s birthday.

My most productive time has shifted away from mornings. Writing and deep study are now impossible for me before 10 am. I think it is okay to sit and watch the morning sunlight span my kitchen, and I love it. The pandemic has taught me to slow down and that it is okay to adjust expectations during times of stress. I don’t want to lose the lesson of taking things easier, even though I am beyond busy with church responsibilities right now.

The ministering of angels

Agony in the Garden by Frans Schwartz

I draw a lot of comfort from the doctrine of the ministering of angels. If you need some reminders that angels are all around us and helping us, here are just a few of my favorite scriptures on the topic:

2 Nephi 31:13-14

2 Nephi 32:2-3

Alma 32:23

3 Nephi 17:24

Moroni 7:29-30, 36-37

2 Kings 6:15-17

Luke 22:43

Angels serve as witnesses and guides to what is really important. “Look,” “Fear not,” and “Behold” are some of the simple words they use to redirect our attention to Christ. They are with us. They show themselves “to those of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness” (Moroni 7:29-30). We may not see angels, they but I believe they play a part in leading us to every holy and pure thing we can experience in this life.