In and Out of Shadow

The relief map of our life right now shows new valleys, a consistent plateau, and several mountains. I move into different landscapes as I am needed and retreat to the backcountry when I must be silent and wait. In my solitude, I assume the role of observer and record keeper.

From a familiar point, I watch our daughter, taking steps on her own path, which is marked by shadow and speckled with obstacles. Frustrated by the turns and boulders, I wonder if she knows that she is still ascending.

A son careens forward on a path without looking one way or the other. Does he actually want to climb that trail? I am not sure he has paused enough to know.

Another son has a blind curve ahead, but has a lift in his steps. I predict the path beyond this curve will be good for him because of his optimism.

And the remaining son, well, I am still close enough to remind him to look at the vistas, and not worry about the details so much.

I am no sage on the hill, but I do know about blind corners, and have skinned my knees when racing too fast. I know the mire of worry from overthinking, and how to escape. I remember what it is like to move beyond easy marks of success, deferring talents and ideas. In such vulnerable times, growth feels a lot like defeat.

I squirm in the solitude in this life season and wonder if a record is worth keeping. I felt inspired to read A Midwife’s Tale this week and it validated my writing of everyday things more than I can say. Our walk continues, and my writing provides a relief map of where we have been.

Headlines of Consequence

Pioneer Trek photo by Susan Vaughn
Last summer, as an intern for the illuatrator of this book, Paige watched him paint this cover and helped with some background illustration. It is coming out next week.
Strawberry Pinnacles campout (There were other boys there!)

Connection and progress happen in the undercurrents of the to do lists and during transit between appointments. The on stage, public displays are a pinnacle, not the mountain we have climbed. They don’t call attention to themselves, but tiny, daily actions are life. Today I elevate some of these menial and plain things and dress them up as headlines:

Late night conversation keeps parenting goals on track.

Work at home issues forth connection and order.

Meal preparation: a rock in the fortress of home, every day

She waited weeks for a convenient time to ask family to move furniture.

A child is struggling? Pray with him.

Camping gear is well traveled.

Mother makes another trip to the store for gear and marshmallows.

Reconciliation evident in non-verbal ways

He often works from home at night to balance high demands of employer and others.

To avoid criticizing someone, mother pulls weeds outside.

Foregoing personal hobbies and family time, Scoutmaster pushes on.

Despite past failures, additional attempts are planned for family spirituality.

Dead, maggot-filled animal buried early this morning in the backyard

Stranded motorist helped by a kind stranger

She kept paper for taking notes.

Entire family commits to watching together a movie only one person will enjoy.

They sat down together at the table.

They took the time they needed to make a plan.

He changed the station again and again without hearing frustration from the driver.

Strength to do dishes and laundry is a blessing.

After years of being too busy, mother helps organize son’s collections.

He remembered to text his mom to let her know where he was.

She smiled instead of criticized.

He practiced each day.

He let his brother stick an earbud in his ear to hear a funny song.

They kept praying together.

Our Teens

photo by Heather Smith

Here is how our teens look this week. One is a little sick, and another thanked me for not grounding him for the rest of his life. I thought he had been killed in a car accident for about 20 minutes. It turned out that there was no car accident, just a vague message and misunderstanding. I was so frantic to find him that I drove around town looking for emergency vehicles, expecting the worst. One son is taking care of pigeons for a couple of days for our neighbor and friend. One is off to Pioneer Trek this morning.

I asked Daniel this week, “What have you learned about obedience?” He wrote, “The last 1% in our obedience brings the majority of the blessings. We’ve seen the difference between good days and not so good days.”

I asked Timothy what he learned this week. “Don’t park illegally, ever.”

Mark taught us what he learned from studying in John. “Jesus prayed that our temptations wouldn’t be too much for us and that Heavenly Father would send help.”

I have a firm belief in the power of parents to bring down blessings on their children. These are good boys, and I see the enemy stalks them relentlessly. It feels like we are at war with outside influence. We pray, we teach, remind, use a timer, let them go, and we are here when they come back. This warrior mom has earned a purple heart this week. Two things have helped: reading the Book of Mormon in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, and watching a Hallmark Christmas DVD.

I love my sons. They are amazing. It’s a heavy time, nevertheless.

6 letters

Last week I made a goal to write six letters, not emails or texts, just old fashioned hand written letters. I wrote to an array of friends and family and it was a good exercise for my dusty pen and neglected stationery. Writing letters is like planting a seed, then moving away, since I can’t see my friends’ faces as they read. Instead, I imagine happy receptions and hopefully a jump within the heart. The best mail carriers place real mail on top of the bills and junk. They know before you do that today you are a winner, because somebody thought to write to you. That has to be one of the sweet things about carrying mail, being in on secrets of the heart.

The Summer Treatment

The posture for May was heads down and knees bent for heavy loads. This last week of school finds me looking up from an appointment book that isn’t bursting out of the margins with the wispy, disconnected thought, “What just happened?”

The spring decorations on the shelves looked weary and a little dusty, so I cleaned and boxed them up. Next March, the same decorations will feel fresh again, and will be a welcome change to close out winter. The reds, whites, and blues are here to replace the pastels, and I have a few new toys to display. I am becoming the kitschy queen. So be it. We survived May, and the ferris wheel seemed an appropriate trophy.

In the high school, teachers turn students loose in the halls early from class, or just let their students play on their smart phones. Tim had one class today where they played Mario Kart. Tomorrow is yearbook day. As I remember, that day seemed so important. It’s the day you hope your friends will write something nice and then you spend a few hours studying each word and comma for meaning, then set the book aside and not look at it again for 30 years. Many of the boys will be unrecognizable in 30 years. The women change less.

Tim and two friends are mowing lawns and landscaping this summer. He will go on Pioneer Trek and a high adventure trip. Mark is going to Scout camp. Richard will camp and camp and camp and fully explore every possibility. I may paint, serve on a jury, and read a biography of George Washington. I may not do any of those things. All I know is that I will meet a lot more people for my church calling and try to remember their names. In the evenings I will turn on the ferris wheel and listen to the children play in the street until their sounds are replaced by the song of crickets and sprinkler systems.

We are ready for the summer treatment.

Pep talk

Today I made a big mistake. I didn’t set out to do it, but as I spoke to someone, my error became so clear that it made my hands shake. I have apologized and will learn from the experience.

I have power in Christ to dispel the shadow cast by a few terrible minutes. I choose to call today powerful in its teaching. I choose to forgive myself. I choose progress over pain. I choose to accept what Christ’s Atonement offers: the ability to move forward. With faith, I will find my smile again.

Home Work

We are moving forward with carpet after nearly seven years in the house. I guess this means we are staying, although we saw a lot more of our families when we lived out of state. Living close to family means we’re everyday relatives, not destination relatives. In fact, we went to St George this weekend and neither we nor anyone else took a single photo. I’m a little sad that I don’t have pictures of the missionary, his pretty mom now out of the hospital, the cousins, the aunts and uncles, and the grandparents who gathered to celebrate his service. We are still treated like destination relatives, but our stays are shorter. I love being present for the big and little things for the extended family, and there are some very sweet memories that I will treasure from this trip that do not require photographs to recall.

May has been its usual busy self. Richard was away from home all but one weekend, I think. The sprinkler system has been down, but the rain has compensated very well. My new church calling has stressed me out, but with each “first” and introduction, I see that things will be fine. The boys have stayed up late. We have still not planted the tomatoes. I don’t remember the last time I mopped the floor. But sometime this summer, there will be soft new carpet in the house, and I have a pretty new plant. The woman at the store who cares for the plants was a little sad that I took it home instead of her. I kind of want to name the plant Shiela. Wait. Did I just share that online?

Tim the Tool Man

Tim took a furniture design class this school year and made this alder desk. It is his own design and it is beautiful. Last night we went to the showcase event where all the students displayed their work. There were guitars, benches, chairs, beds, entertainment centers, cedar chests, and more. It is always an impressive sight. They have a People’s Choice award chosen by the families and friends and a Best of Show award chosen by judges who know the craft.

Tim won Best of Show!

His work is careful and meticulous. He listened to instructions and carefully executed them. This was not an easy thing to design a piece of furniture and bring it to life. We are so proud of him.

He claimed his very nice prizes, changed into a tux, and performed in a band concert right after that. He is a rock star.

Current study

I set out to find the “causes” of righteous behavior in the Book of Mormon. Beginning with the first verse and moving through each chapter, I began writing down things that led to righteousness: good parents, visions, dreams, the influence of others, determination to fulfill a covenant, rejoicing in the Lord’s hand in life, etc. Within a very short time, I found the goodness of God linked to the power of people to be good. With every effort shown by people, God was there, helping, guiding, inspiring, and strengthening. He is the source of the spiritual gift of faith. It is in Him that people can find a worthy placement of their faith. He sends blessings with perfect timing. He softens hearts. His Son’s atonement enables, purifies, and gives hope. He manifests himself in word, power, and deed. He is everywhere righteousness is happening. He is the “cause.” To be righteous is to allow His influence in.

I have had detracting voices to my religion throughout my life, some very close. My deep study is one reason I love my church with confidence. The Book of Mormon is true. As I have made it a manual for my life, I have felt its power. I have come to know to know what my religion is by dissecting chapter, verse, and words. It is good.

Yesterday I found a phrase I have not considered. “…all men shall reap the reward of their works, according to that which they have been…” (Alma 9:28)

What have I been to others? Have I been a light? Have I been a gentle place to land?

What have I been to God? Have I been a source of joy to Him? When needed, have I been able to reflect His light to others?

What have I been to myself? Am I as forgiving and patient with myself as I am with others? Is my focus on becoming or doing? Is my priority people or processes?

I have days when I am limited in what I can accomplish. On these days, I erase my to do lists. I have learned that my identity is not just tied to my productivity. There are very few essential things to do each day: pray, read scriptures, love others, repent, eat, and sleep. Righteousness is an identity more than a resume.

Thirteen

I asked the family if anyone remembered their 13th birthday. Mark said right away, “I do,” since it was the day before. Paige told me that she remembered her thirteenth birthday because she got braces and her hair cut that week. I remember being angry about being teased. Tim remembers going to a Star Wars premier at midnight.

I like to read old posts of how things used to be, so here’s one for the time capsule.

At age 13, Mark is interested in reading, Legos, Scouting, the Anthem PS4 game, and a Netflix show about mind games. Salted caramel anything? Yes, please. Dark chocolate is pulling out in front of milk chocolate. His birthday cake of choice is Violet Sanchez’s glazed lemon cake. Milky Way candy bars, chili cheese Fritos, and store brand cherry toaster pastries traveled down the conveyor belt at the grocery store this week in his honor. He likes to peruse the spice aisle and try new flavors. Favorite dinners usually include beef: meatballs, meatloaf, pot roast, hamburgers, and steak. He also loves smoked chicken and is a barbecue sauce connoisseur. He reads my cooking magazines and likes to make Aebleskivers.

He is fastidious in his hygiene, disciplined in his obedience, and keeps a cluttered space for his building projects. He collects movie ticket stubs, smashed pennies, baseball keychains, Archie comic books, and mementos from times with his cousins. He can read a book in an afternoon and we make a lot of library trips. He listens to the radio in his room, and he likes the music of AJR, preferring the radio edited versions of their songs. George Ezra? Yes. Collin Raye?(in Mom’s car) Nooooooo!

Language Arts and Math are his least favorite subjects this year. I think it has more to do with the teachers than the subjects. He loves science, history, band, and Raisels sour raisins for which he makes trades during lunch time at school.

He’s accomplished and smart, but I am most proud of the person he is becoming. His self discipline in piano practice and scripture study are uncommon in someone his age. He asks me how my day is going and still pats me on the back reassuringly and randomly. He is making changes in screen time habits for the better. His Primary president, Barbara Bartee wished him a happy birthday and delivered a handmade gift, even though he has been out of Primary for a year. He spent his birthday morning cleaning the kitchen at the family cabin, deep in conversation with his cousin, Kaitlyn. He ordered a caramel shake, a scone, a barbecue burger, and onion rings for lunch at the Hi Mountain Drugstore in Kamas for his birthday lunch. He picked out an orange Technic car from the Lego store to build, and we watched the Lego Movie 2 in the evening. Daniel made a video call to wish him a happy birthday from Chile. They spent most of the conversation talking about Lego engineering.

This is long, but I know from experience what little details will mean in the future.

Mark, you are loved and needed. You are smart and kind. You make great food and I like how you ask me questions about what I think. I like how you style the front of your hair standing straight up and keep the rest short. I like your laugh. It has a deeper pitch than last year, but keeps its essential rhythm, a long series of chuckles followed by a sharp intake of breath. Your features are more angular than last year, and you are inches taller than I am. You don’t read the blog, but someday perhaps you will see this and smile. I love you.