Category: Life according to Angela

91 years

I called my grandmother last night to wish her a happy 91st birthday. She talked to me about weather and politics and her grandchildren, all the usual. I asked her what she thought her secret was for living so long.

I guess she gets that question a lot, and she said has no answer. No one in her family history has lived as long. She just said she loved to be surrounded by pictures of family, to watch them grow and achieve, and to receive letters in the mail.

Without saying it directly, I saw that the secret to living, no matter how many years we have, is to be positive. She has chronic pain in her knees; she has another scan this week, as the doctors may be worried that her cancer has returned; she is alone a lot of the time. But she brushes these things off, and focuses on the people in her life, and delights in kindness shown to her.

We are watching and and waiting as another relative receives more bad news each day about her health. How do I reconcile these two stories in my family, of longevity and illness? How do I live without fear, and with gratitude, no matter what? Most important, how can I support these women in the paths they have ahead?

These are my Monday thoughts.

Lessons

Paige’s oil painting assignment

This exercise for Paige in oil painting was interesting to watch. She painted little squares for days over a long weekend at home. If I understand this correctly, each paper represents the effects of a single color mixed in to the same paints. There are some surprises, and there are some panels that I like more than others. The seventies-looking panel comes from yellow being mixed in everything.

One thing I have learned from having a daughter in art is the power of color to convey a mood. I saw an interesting MFA project on display at BYU earlier this year which used color to track the moods of different people throughout a day. I took pictures of a few of the representations to show the contrasts. Each person tracked his or her mood for 24 hours. Each hour was represented by a color, with each color representing a mood.

Moods that colors convey
The moods of an 18-month old, as documented by her mother. See the patterns and abrupt changes?
Moods of a student with depression and anxiety: see the dullness and little cheer, with black anxiety making appearances?
And here is 24 hours in the life of a yogi. Almost this persuadeth me to be a yogi.

What would the color palette look like for you today? I think we have some power over how we look at our days. I have seen how writing has been a good exercise in framing how I see my life. When I write, I tend to focus on the more rather than the less. It’s helped me frame my experiences with greater perspective. I see how petty I sound when I complain, and I see that I can often find a use for the difficult lessons. When I read my history on this blog, I see a plan emerge for our family, the friends in our path, unexpected opportunities, and experiences that have molded us.

We are almost halfway through October, which is normally a low month for me (think lots of purples), with mostly yellow and orange feelings. I think it’s because I am slowing down and writing. I am not letting myself get over-extended. I am saying no to things. I think it’s healthy to have a mixture of moods in life. I’m also allowing myself to feel what I feel and think what I think. This is a healthy change for me.

 

Next day addition: I don’t know the name of the person whose work I posted. I thought I took a picture of the name, but can’t find it. I wish I knew!

Writing in circles

Organizing chapters

One day, I think what I have written for my book is just right. The next day, I read the same words with a pucker and squinty eyes. What was I thinking?

I am losing objectivity. Maybe I am ready to get some feedback on the mood I am conveying and the format. Does it work to have little anecdotes mixed in with reflective chapters? Should I include the entries about our marriage, or should I just focus on the motherhood stuff? I really want the marriage chapters to work. It’s a story about our family. Sometimes I feel myself repeating ideas, or trying to tie things up neatly, when I don’t want to shy away from being real. But I am not betraying anyone, either. The kids are protected and I don’t choose to write about petty things. Surely fiction would be easier.

If you think you would like to read some pages and give some feedback, let me know. Some of it I published on the blog when I decided to give up the book dream. I really wish I hadn’t done that. You may have read some of this book on the blog, so you have an idea what to expect. Mark picked up the manuscript one night and shocked me by reading most of it and laughing at the right parts. That was encouraging.

What does it mean to do your best?

I found a journal entry from 2004 which had a post-it note with this list of scriptures on it with the title, “How can we know we are doing our best?”

I used this list as part of my scripture study this morning. It was a good exercise in self-assessment. If our Father in Heaven is the standard for perfection, and we aren’t perfect, how are we to judge if we are worthy of his grace? These scriptures were reality check and gave hope. Thank you, 2004 me.

Baby Timothy and me in 2004

Mosiah 4:26-27; 30

Proverbs 3:5-6

Ether 12:27

Exodus 20:3-17

D&C 20:77, 79

2 Nephi 25:23

Moroni 10:32

2 Nephi 31:20

Ecclesiastes 9:10-11

D&C 10:4

Exodus 18:18

Numbers 11:14

I added Matthew 5. Alma 5 would be good, too.

Also, THIS.

The Power of a Small Change

There is a crossing guard that I see every day as I drive to and from school. In previous years, he has kept his head down. Sometimes playing on his phone, he seemed oblivious to everyone around him, including the kids waiting for him to notice they were standing across the street.

About a week ago, I noticed that this crossing guard is not looking down anymore. He isn’t on his phone. He has started to wave at each passing car. At first, I chuckled and wondered if he had gotten in trouble for being on his phone. Now, I look forward to the wave. I tell the kids in the car to wave back with me.

What a happy change when someone decides to turn outside of themselves. It’s amazing to see the transformation.

 

My Favorite Chapter in the Book of Mormon

Mosiah 18 has it all: an imperfect, repentant priest who preaches the gospel of Jesus Christ to great effect; persecution, blessings for those who labor in the church, wise counsel on religious behavior, and protection from the Lord. If I had to choose just one chapter to keep from the Book of Mormon, it would probably be this one. I wonder which one you would choose. It’s a tough question to answer, I know.