Life according to Angela – Page 106

Crinkle crackle swish

We love to walk to school through the fallen leaves. We love having enormous trees, even if they drop so many leaves that it takes all afternoon to collect them.

I just discovered that my favorite tree on my parents’ block was chopped down this year. I have so many memories playing under that tree, jumping into its piles of leaves and the tough crunching sounds those leaves made under my feet as I walked home from school.

I had actually planned on walking through those leaves tomorrow to celebrate my birthday. Yes, that’s really what I was going to do.

I’m a nut for sentimental traditions.

Light

“You is smart. You is kind. You is important.”*

I got a note in the mail this week that said all of this and more from someone I admire. I blushed, I beamed, I bloomed. (Name the Kevin Henkes book.)**

I also opened up my blinds to see that the leaves outside had changed to this vivid yellow color.

A stamp and some pigment. That’s all that it takes to make me happy.

* The Help

** Chrysanthemum

Tiny characters

Each morning I watch my youngest children grow small as they walk away from me, eventually merging into lines of children ready to go in to school. For a time, I am able to distinguish Mark’s backpack and Timothy’s walk, but eventually I turn away, realizing they have become indistinguishable from the other children and there is no sense in watching any longer.

It’s one of those paradoxes in life, I guess, that when seeing so many children, I am reminded of the individual nature of Heavenly Father’s love. He knows my little ones better than I do and I can trust them to His care when I’m not there. He knows his children and can pick out each of us from the crowd.

Firsts

On Sunday I accompanied the choir on my violin for the first time in my new congregation. The first time is always nerve wracking, but with Daniel’s encouragement and prayers and holding a text message from Richard, I braved another “first” and it went just fine.

The kids are settling in very well to school. It’s taken a month, but we’re falling into a routine. The transition was a lot smoother than I expected. Richard gave each child a priesthood blessing the night before school began. I know that this has helped. I look back without regret at the years we spent together and pat myself on the back when I see their reading, math, and science scores. It helps soothe the ignominy of facing the skeptical public school administration a few weeks ago.

We went to our first church party. Paige and Daniel immediately found their friends and we didn’t see them all evening. Let me repeat: Paige and Daniel IMMEDIATELY FOUND THEIR FRIENDS. Tim and Mark played ball with a handful of primary children and came home with pockets stuffed with candy from the pinata. On the drive home, I asked the kids if they had a good time. They all said yes. Let me repeat: THEY ALL SAID YES! Daniel said, “Mom, this must be the right place for us.”

Absolutely.

I’m emotionally spent, despite most of these things being good developments in our lives. My sister-in-law Becky Sanchez unexpectedly stopped by our house late one night this week. She was in town for a funeral and had an just an hour to see us. It was a good visit. Her conversation was just what my tired nerves needed. I’m thankful to have her as a sister in law and that I got to hold her sweet new baby.

I am a tired but very blessed woman.

My 18 month project

Hello, friend. Thanks for reading and checking on our family adventures. Some posts I write for myself, others are a history, and sometimes I write with just you (dear reader) in mind. What can I share that will help and lift you? Today I’m writing a religious post.

Sometimes the familiar can become almost invisible. About a year ago I realized that my religious study was not feeding me. The familiar words of scripture weren’t making a difference in my life. I needed something to help me focus.

I decided to journal what I learned about my Father in Heaven as I read The Book of Mormon. At first I kept a notebook at my side, but then I found that notes in the margins of the scriptures kept my mind focused on the words more effectively. I just wrote short statements about Heavenly Father’s interactions with his children based on the stories I was reading. It wasn’t difficult. I just asked myself over and over, “What does this passage tell me about my Heavenly Father?”

I didn’t use my regular set of scriptures. I used an old copy so I wouldn’t worry about taking up too much room in the margins with my notes. I did this for 18 months (I’m a slow study). What I now have is an old copy of the Book of Mormon filled with insights about my Father in Heaven. I learned so much and I am sure I could repeat the project and wonder why I didn’t see more.

I’m not going to make a list of what I learned, but perhaps if you feel that your study of scripture has become a little peripheral this may help you to focus. I found my Father in Heaven in the words and I felt his influence in my life more fully through the exercise. If God is unchanging, these miracles and principles from the Bible and The Book of Mormon should still occur today. As I searched for principles and practices, I found that my life was rich with blessings and my mind was opened to the miracles in my life. It was a simple way to feel the power and love of God.

Here is what a few of my pages look like. Sorry some pictures are blurry. I’m in a hurry today.

Autumn joys

The familiar back-to-school feeling with its gold-toned memories and crisp air is all around us. I can’t keep my eyes off the mountains above our house. The red maples have been brilliant for a few weeks, but this weekend, the aspen trees erupted into bright yellow color. My autumn heart is satisfied and happy.

Over the weekend we opened up our bed and breakfast to some cousins. Some of our activities included playing with Legos, Styrofoam, cars, planes, remote controlled vehicles, board games, markers, Sparky, Polly Pockets, and Ellos. We played basketball, painted the girls’ nails, gave jeep rides, slid down the banister, watched Scooby Doo, and invited my aunt and her family to join us for dinner. Nine house guests at once made me smile. That’s the total we would accumulate in 2 or 3 years in Arizona.

Transition

In addition to learning a new city and a new house, I’m learning how to be alone. I often do this by going places where I won’t be alone.

I visit the elementary school almost daily. Sometimes I just eat with Mark. I’m also helping one or two mornings a week with reading lessons and I love the kids and the window it gives me into Mark’s world.

I shop for fabric and furniture that I don’t purchase. I walk down aisles of picture frames, autumn decor, and dishes which I never put in my cart. I’ve tried on a lot of jeans that I don’t buy.

The other day I did buy a Utah counties puzzle because how can we live without that? I guess this shows that I’m still the same person who finds more enjoyment from educational material than fabric and more happiness teaching reading lessons than just about anything else.

Courageous at the Core

I love my Markie. He’s feeling the separation from me at school very deeply. Instead of allowing him to complain aloud so often, we came up with a sign that he can give when he feels upset. It means, “I need a hug.” We do a lot of hugging these days.

I pray a lot for my kids. I also pray for their teachers to have an extra measure of empathy and love.

I believe that everyone is adventurous and courageous at the core. I believe that that every person had a choice whether or not they came to earth. We showed courage to come here for experience and growth. I reminded the kids about that the other day as we walked to school. We talked about life being full of adventures and that we chose this life, full of challenges because we are brave and we need to learn.

I also believe that when we made the decision to come to earth, it was an informed decision. We didn’t know what our lives would bring, but we knew our Father and we understood that life on earth was an essential step to becoming like Him. We knew there would be a Savior and we knew Him better then, too. We knew that we could trust Him.

I really can’t remember these events, but I know they happened. While my mind can’t remember them, somehow my spirit does, and this brings comfort. It’s a comfort to me to know that I had a home I loved before I came here and to which I can return. It’s a comfort to understand that it’s not important to know the outcome of everything. It’s just important to trust in a God who knows us, loves us, and provides a way for us to face our challenges with courage.

Now, let’s go take on the day.

Innocence on September 11th

photo taken just days before September 11, 2001

Somehow it’s therapeutic to retell where we were when terrible events happened. I was home in Austin, Texas with little Paige and Daniel and a neighbor baby on the morning of September 11, 2001. As the news spread, another neighbor left her babies with me as she ran to the school to pick up her daughter. I gathered the five innocents on the little toddler bed in our school room and turned off the television that replayed events too terrible for them to see. I was grateful that our home was a safe haven for the children who were in my care that day. That evening I put on my Cub Scout uniform and spent time with the Cub Scouts, talking and listening, numb and sad, but feeling the pride of that American flag on the uniform. I have always felt grateful that I was surrounded by innocent children on that day.

Perfect

On Friday evening I took the kids out to dinner. It was a reward to Mark for good behavior in school. We sat out on the patio of the restaurant. Orange, red, and green trees dotted the mountains behind us. The temperature was perfect and the insects stayed away.

The new fountain drink dispenser-turned-constantly-flowing-water-feature entertained us as employees tried to fix it while still serving drinks.

We talked about the new piano teacher, ballet classes, and friends at church. I searched my purse for some cash to buy ice cream for dessert.

I looked at each of the kids, smiling and relaxed together. Paige shared a chair with Mark, Timothy curled up on his chair, and Daniel occasionally waved at friends who were inside the restaurant.

I said, “This feels perfect, just like the old days when we used to spend all day together.”

I have made it a point not to pine over the old days, so I added, “But even though things have changed, it’s a new kind of perfect.”

And it is.

The new kind of perfect is being able to sit outside at a restaurant for an evening meal. It’s classrooms and lockers, recess and cafeterias. It’s repairing old pipes and fixtures in our free time, enjoying our season tickets to BYU football games and gorging on Cougar tails. It’s falling asleep early each night because we’re so tired from all the new people and surroundings. It’s enjoying a backyard with shade, open windows in the house, and a sunny mudroom for laundry and lockers holding backpacks bulging with homework. It’s seeing family and feeling like we’re in the loop again with family news and events. It’s tears and fear, insecurities and new experiences, my mouth full of canker sores from the stress, all while being sheltered by a good house that creaks in the night. Of course it’s a mixture of emotions and reactions, but I know that perfection is something you create, not something that is handed to you. We’re making things work, just as we would anywhere. It does help that we feel like we’re “home,” though.